Blazers Basketball

Moving On Over.

2006-03-20T09:32:00.000-08:00

For the ten people reading this site, I'd like to invite you to come over to the Blazer's Edge, my new, somewhat more professional Blazer-themed blog. It will be the same fairly obvious observations and juvenile pouting that you've come to know and mildly enjoy, only now someone else is responsible for the html and possible lawsuits. So take www.blazersbasketball.blogspot.com off your bookmarks and replace it with www.blazersedge.com. You might not be glad you did, but you'll at least feel indifferent.

Talk Stories

2006-03-17T09:27:00.000-08:00

Paul Allen, most likely against the wishes of his lawyers and yes-men, had a little sit down with Mike Tokito; the better of the two Blazer beat writers for the Oregonian. Paulie didn't exactly tip his hand, but I must admit that after reading the interview, I feel a little better about the future of the franchise. I have to question keeping Lance "Fancy Pants" Conn as the financial front man, as I think he's proved himself incompetent, but ultimately Allen calls the shots. After watching the fourth quarter on Wednesday though, I wouldn't be surprised if Paul was ready to sell to the first drunkard stumbling out of the stadium.

Update: This article by Eggers in the Trib (via Eric Marentette) makes me feel even better. I think Paul kind of knows he's screwed, but he's got to try and apply some pressure to the city.

The Red and Black continue their death tour tonight against King James, the Oregon Rat Boy, and the rest of the Cleveland Cavaliers. It’s really anyone’s guess how this one is going to end up, though Vegas has a pretty good feeling that the Blazers are going to get their ass's handed to them. Right now, my sanity is clinging to moral victories, so scoring more than 75 points will be enough for me. Today is St. Patrick’s day, so hopefully Irish players Darius Miles, Ha Seung-Jin, and Voshon Lenard catch a little of the luck that is synonymous with their country and kin. Cleveland has lost three straight, so you know they’re going to try and get right against the Blazers.

Maroon 5

2006-03-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

I don't really have anything to say, I just wanted to continue the streak of using band names to describe the horrible offensive performance this team seems dead set on producing. I'm not sure why Nate didn't have the team shooting half court shots when it became obvious that proximity to the hoop wasn't necessarily resulting in scoring points, but I guess he probably has his reasons. If the current trend of scoring continues, the Blazers are on track to score only 47 points in their final game of the season verses Phoenix, which would be one hell of a way to close out the relationship between the Trail Blazers and the fans. It doesn't get much lower than this.

66 Mafia

2006-03-15T11:09:00.000-08:00

The fourth lowest point total ever, two nights after scoring 111? I’m ashamed. Really, I am. Usually 2000 some-odd miles would be buffer enough to take the sting out of a colossal beat down, but getting held below 70 by a team fighting to get into the playoffs in the East is enough to send feelings of inadequacy and humiliation all the way back to the Pacific Northwest. Other than Zach, no Blazer scored more than eight points, which means guys like Darius Miles and Sebastian Telfair were outscored by non-American born hoops legends like Andres Nocioni and Luke Schenscher. Nothing like letting a guy from Hope Forest, South Australia put up a career high on you.

While the team was eager to hit the town after the game for a post-beat down Chicago-Style pizza eating contest, tight scheduling forced them to hop on a plane to the Garden State for a game against the Nets tonight. I’ve been doing a little math, and if the current trend of scoring big (as in the game against Phoenix) is then followed by scoring little (as in the game against Chicago) then logic would tell up that the Blazers are set to go off tonight. The Blazers scored 45 more points on Sunday than they did on Tuesday, so I figure that this time around, the Blazers should score somewhere around 156 points. I’m not sure if that will be enough to win, but it should at least give them a shot.

Though I recently stated that I didn’t want to discuss the drama that is Paul Allen vs. Portland, Helen Jung has a fascinating article and Q&A with NBA don David Stern. He doesn’t divulge much, but just his involvement signals that this thing is big, and only going to get bigger. When is that damn liberal media going to start reporting some good news?

When You Mess With the Bull...

2006-03-14T11:13:00.000-08:00

I'm sick off the uncertainty surrounding the financial wellbeing of the Red and Black, so if you want to discuss it, check out Henry, Eric, Helen, Dwight, or Kerry. Together they sound like a law firm that specializes in personal injury, but individually they all offer nuanced reporting and commentary on the battle-royale taking place between Paul Allen and Vulcan Inc. in the red corner and the citizens and politicos of Portland (and other far off Salem-type lands) in the blue corner. The winner will surely be the team who first figures out how to drink thunder and crap lighting.

While the suits fight over who gets the revenue from pretzelled bread and cotton candy sales, the guys in the mesh tank tops and shorts still have their own problems to tend to. Portland kicks off a mini-road trip against the Bulls in Chicago tonight with hopes of putting together the oft elusive winning streak. The Bulls have been up and down all year, and are currently fighting to get into the eighth spot, so they certainly don't want to get beat by the Blazers of all teams. But beat they shall get. Dating back to January of '01, the Blazers have beaten the Bulls seven of the past ten times. Unfortunately, I don't think what the Rasheed, Damon, Pippen, and Bonzi did in 2001 is going to have a whole lot of bearing on this game, but I still think the Blazers come out on top. The line is Bulls -9.5, which is a slap in the face to a Blazer team that just beat Phoenix, though maybe the 6-25 road record doesn't instill Vegas with much respect for Mac-10 and the Boys.

Ain't No Sunshine When He's On.

2006-03-13T12:36:00.000-08:00

A big welcome to all of you Sebastian Telfair fans, wherever you may be. The screening of Through the Fire on ESPN last night, coupled with Jason Quick’s piece on ESPN.com seems to be responsible for a slight up-tick in traffic, especially from those of you Google searching the phrase “Sabastian Telfair.” Now if I could just find a producer to finance my Viktor Khyrapa/Ha Seung-Jin buddy picture. In it, Ha and Viktor are a highly-trained counter-terrorism team fighting Islamic separatists in Viktor’s native Ukraine, while also combating a growing communist nuclear threat in Ha’s native South Korea. It’s going to be awesome, I swear.

You want to know what else is awesome? Beating the Phoenix Suns at the Rose Garden, especially after the thrashing they put the Blazers through the last time these two teams crossed paths. It seems I was one game early in predicting the Blazers would beat a far superior team at home, but it’s better late than never. Of course, being tardy to the pre-game did keep Zach out of the starting line-up, but it didn’t keep him from scoring 32 points and, even more impressively, grabbing 14 rebounds against an athletic Suns team. Steve Blake also managed to cancel out the reigning league MVP by scoring 18 and dishing out 13 assists, without a single turnover. Take that, you uppity Canadians.

There were a few factors that allowed the Blazers to win this one. First off, the Suns are a little gimpy at the moments. Only eight guys played for Mike D’Antoni last night, so fatigue has to factor in. It was also fortuitous for the Blazers that the officials seemed to have consumed their whistles, as the referee team of Bennett Salvatore, Matt Boland, and Rodney Mott assessed only 27 fouls, which resulted in only 23 fouls shots being taken in total by both teams. Anytime the Blazers can stay out of a foul shooting contest, they stand a chance of winning. Well, maybe not necessarily of “winning” but at least they stand a chance of not getting blow out, which is a win in my book.

In other news, Paul Allen has broken his silence regarding the current argle-bargle over his request for a public/private partnership to keep the Blazers afloat. Call me a curmudgeon, but I’ve already made up my mind, and ain’t no fancy worded internet posting going to change it.

With A Rebel Yell, He Wants More, More, More.

2006-03-10T09:08:00.000-08:00

So it turns out that good feeling I had was just a residual reaction from the drugs I was taking for my wisdom teeth. If I were in an unencumbered state, I would have said there was no chance of the Blazers beating one of the best teams in the NBA, regardless of how they performed 2 days earlier. Let that be a lesson to all you kids out there: Never operate heavy machinery or predict a Blazers win while under the influence of narcotics.

While the Blazers continue to skim the bottom of the Western Conference like so many basketball playing catfish, the biggest fish in the Portland pond continues to stack his chips. Though you wouldn't know it from the posturing of his stooges at Vulcan Inc, Paul Allen continues to be somewhat of a wealthy man. According to Forbes (via the kick-ass Helen Jung), he's the sixth biggest baller, shot caller, 20-inch blades on the Impala human-being on the face of the earth, jumping up from the seventh spot he held last year. No word yet on when Forbes will be releasing the list of the world's "Luckiest S.O.B.'s Who Ride Bill Gates' Coattails," but I'm sure Paul is one of the frontrunners on that compellation as well.

I'm sure Allen called his equally hideous friend Steve Forbes and asked him to hold off on publishing the list until he had the chance to squeeze Portland's collective shoes for a little while longer, but business is business. Paulie Walnuts made a cool billion last year, improving his net-worth to 22 billion dollars, which begs the question: How can you cry poverty when, even in the face of numerous poor business decisions, you still manage to make money? My guess is that Allen follows the Wu Tang School of Finance, which goes something to the effect of "Cash, rules, everything, around, me. C.R.E.A.M. get the money. Dollar, dollar bills y'all."

Flip the Script On the Dallas Tip.

2006-03-09T11:08:00.000-08:00

Not too bad of a loss on Tuesday. Being a long-time Blazer fan, I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact they're never going to be a good free-throw shooting team. They came out on fire, fought off numerous Dallas runs, and almost came away with the win. If only it weren't for those damn free-throws. Oh, and Darius Miles, he didn't help much either. Why the hell was Vik out of the game for so long? He was straight ballin' out of control in the first half (that block on the Devin Harris fast break was one for the Vik highlight reel), but he ended up only playing 17 minutes, while headbonker-come-lately dragged ass for 33 minutes. Thanks for the effort cornrows, or should I say, cornLOWs. No, cornrows still sounds better.

Maybe Paul Allen could lobby the NBA to change the rules so that fouls function more like they do in hockey. Commit a foul; the team plays a man down for 30 seconds. It would also save everyone from those atrocious end of game scenarios when teams foul to stop the clock, making the last minutes of semi-close NBA games last an eternity. Those never seem to turn in favor of the Blazers, so to hell with it. Everyone always loves seeing an open goal in hockey, so why not in basketball as well? You'd end up with some sick 4-on-1 dunks in the final minutes, which is way more fun than seeing guys battle it out at the charity stripe. Better yet, maybe Paulie could beg the NBA to switch from four quarters to three periods (trimesters?), a la hockey, as the Blazers have played pretty well for the first 3 quarters of the last few games.

But in the meantime, the Blazers still have to function under the archaic rules of the stuck-in-the-mud NBA. Dallas comes to the Rose Garden tonight in a rare back-to-back event. It's about as close to a playoff setting as the Blazers are going to get in the near future, so savor the flavor. I've got a good feeling about this one. I think the Blazers are due, and Dallas hasn't played so great as of late, so I think this one goes down as a win. The Red and Black are eight point dogs, which is more respect than they garnered from the gaming community on Tuesday. Can you feel the love?

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves.

2006-03-06T18:30:00.000-08:00

Posting has been slow lately, as I recently had the last useless vestiges of our Cro-Magnon heritage ripped from my word-hole. While the oral surgery is no handsome cab ride, it's not as bad as everyone says. One thing I will say is that whoever decided to call nitrous oxide "laughing gas" needs to be sued for false advertising. After 45 minutes of deep panic breaths, I felt little more than a haziness similar to getting hit in the head with a whiffle ball bat. Thanks for nothing Joseph Priestley.

Then again, maybe I'm just desensitized to the pain, as this season has been the equivalent of getting all of your teeth pulled out by a urine-soaked meth addict. Sure, getting a win over the Lakers is always good for a few minutes of post-game bliss, but then games against San Antonito and Houston come along, and I go back to feeling numb. But it's not the losing. I've been losing all of my life, and I don't mind it all that much. There was that intramural floor hockey championship in college, and I won't lie; that felt pretty damn good, but losing is a part of life. People who can't take a loss are those a-hole 45 year-old guys playing park and rec. basketball, barking coaching advice at fellow teammates and getting into fist fights over foul calls. So it's not the losing, it's the way that this team loses.

They're tricky bastards, those Blazers are. Sometimes they hustle for loose balls, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they player great defense, sometimes they don't. A lot of the time they'll give a good team all they can handle, and then simply give up for seemingly no reason. Now like I said, I don't mind losing, but stop playing with my heart. If you're going to be a below-average group of underachievers and half-asses, great! In all honesty, I could probably relate better to that kind of team than I could to a group of ferocious competitors who would slit their grandmothers’ throats for a chance at a championship. But for the love of Arvydas, just pick a characteristic and stick with it! This on again/off again effort is really taking its toll on my psyche.

It probably won't get any better tomorrow, as the Blazers take on the Mavericks in Dallas. So I'm pleading with you guys, if you ever loved me at all, just play hard, or don't, but do one or the other. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Great Moments in Interviewing

2006-03-02T07:33:00.000-08:00

Zach Randolph recently sat down (or stood up, who knows) to answer some questions from his legion of fans. Following the lead of fellow teammate and wordsmith Travis Outlaw, Zach opened up the preverbal vault that is Z-Bo, proving that he truly is a "Holler' Back Zach." All questions and answers are given in their entirety.

Taylor (Oregon City): Hello Zach, I was just wondering if the knee is still bothering you during the games or if it is getting better?

Zach Randolph: It's improving, but it's not 100-percent. The healing process takes awhile.

Paging Dr. Randolph. Nothing like starting off an interview with the old softball question. The "not 100-percent" heads off the "Why have you been playing like crap lately Zach?" questions. I mean, leave the guy alone, he's hurt! So what about Mac-10 Zach? You guys seem pretty close.

Chris Elizabethtown, Ky: Hey Zach, how is it playing for Nate Mcmillian?

Zach Randolph: It's OK. He's a very disciplined coach who likes things done the right way. He wants to get the very best out of his players.

Ouch. I think Churchill said the same thing when asked about what he thought of Stalin. Of course, Zach could have been using one of the lesser know abbreviations of "OK", like "Overly Kind" or "Ostensibly Kickass." It's so hard to convey context over the internet. You should notice though, that Zach chose to wear his Nate-banned head band for the interview. A possible "screw you" to the old commandant? The world will never know. How about that Darius? He's probably just "OK" too.

Dan Ridgewood NJ: Hey Zach, How do you think the return of Darius Miles will help the Blazers?

Zach Randolph: It's gonna help us out alot. He's one of the best players on our team, he's very talented and I think his return will help us alot.

I doubt Zach would say the same thing if Nate was coming off an injury. Oh, and "a lot" is two words. Any thoughts on some of the other guys on the team?

Brandon (Flint): Are You going to watch Sebastian Telfair's documentary "Through The Fire"?

Zach Randolph: I've already seen it. It's real good.

Just "real good?" Not real great? Someone is getting crossed off the Christmas card list. I bet you thought Darius was great in The Perfect Score and Van Wilder. If I were you Zach, I might suck up a little more to your "point guard of the future." So what about off the court Zach? High tea and museum openings?

Ellis D (Portland, OR): Sup Z-Bo? What do you like to do on your free time in Portland?

Zach Randolph: Hmm. I play video games. Just kick back and relax.

Way to represent the Portland cultural scene to the fullest. You could of at least said you attend the occasional Cool Nutz or Pink Martini concert every now and then. Maybe a trip to the Washington Park Zoo or Saturday Market perhaps.

paul (Portland): Was it fun being on Cribs? And what do you think they missed in your pad?

Zach Randolph: It was fun, a great experience. They missed alot of stuff. The didn't get everything in there. It was nice though.

He's right. I know for a fact that Zach has an oversized cotton candy machine made out of platinum, and I didn't see that anywhere in the Cribs piece. It's kind of surprising, seeing as MTV is usually known for their hard-hitting, in-depth reporting. You don't win all those Peabody Awards by following around Nick Lachey.

So there you have it. Another thought provoking sit-down with Portland's favorite power forward. Maybe next time they'll answer my question about how good of a basketball player Zach's daughter McKinley is. From what I've heard, she can really hit the offensive boards, but still has trouble passing out of the double team.

Blazers Got No Sac

2006-03-01T08:18:00.000-08:00

When the worst offensive rebounding team meets the worst defensive rebounding team, someone is going to end up looking stupid. And since this is 2006, and Portland is on a downward spiral not seen since a giant whirlpool swallowed the city of Atlantis, I bet you can guess who ended up getting punked, and who did the punking. Giving up 17 offensive rebounds is a sure fire way to lose, and lose the Blazers did. Brian Skinner showed his old team what for, though the other guys who hadn't previously played for the Kings didn't seem to have the same motivation. So really, this lose was managements fault. All they would have to do is acquire players from other teams the day before the Blazers play that team. Tonight, for example, the Blazers play the Hell-A Kobe's. All John Nash needs to do to guarantee a motivated effort is to trade for Smush Parker, Brian Cook, and Von Wafer. We couldn't lose! Then he could trade those three players for Brent Barry, Sean Marks, and Fabricio Oberto. Western Conference Finals, here we come!

Back to reality. Like I said, the Blazers play the L.A. Kobe's at the House of Lost Fortune tonight. Of course, the Blazers are permanently without the Kobe-Stopper, who is undoubtedly stopping Denver nannies from performing their contracted work in a safe environment. Nothing soothes the savage media beast in Portland like beating the Kobe's, so hopefully Mac-10 and the B-Boys can squeak this one out. The line on this one is the Kobe's -6.5, which, once again, sounds like a prime chance to make some scratch if you’re not averse to betting against the Red and Black.

Portland Trail Blazers Answer the Call

2006-02-27T11:01:00.000-08:00

In an unprecedented move, billionaire owner Paul Allen has asked all of the basketball players under his employ to work as customer service representatives for his Charter Communications cable division. After unsuccessfully lobbying state and local governments for financial assistance, executives of Allen’s Vulcan Inc. have had to look to other revenue sources to offset mounting fiscal losses.

“We’ve looked at a host of options,” commented Vulcan president Lance Conn, “and we’re of the opinion that consolidating our workforce will provide added flexibility to Mr. Allen and his investments.”

Small call centers have been set-up at the Rose Garden and at the Blazers practice facility in Tualatin to allow players to work before and after games and practices. Each player is required to fulfill a certain number of hours at their desk answering calls from customers of Charter Communications, most of which revolve around billing and loss of service questions. It is believed to be the first program of its’ kind in professional sports.

Player reactions have been mixed, though most concede that there isn’t much that they can do.

“I had my lawyer look at our contracts,” remarked PF/C and switchboard operator Theo Ratliff, “and it’s worded so that, technically, we’re employees of Paul Allen, not necessarily the Portland Trail Blazers. We’re required to play whatever position ‘management deems necessary’ so I guess that includes answering phones.”

Point guard and assistant office manager Steve Blake was less muted in his reaction.

“I think it’s crap. I mean, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this team successful, but this is beyond the pale. Have you ever had to deal with some elderly guy who’s pissed off because his cable went out during Matlock? It can get ugly. You can’t imagine all the names I’ve been called, by old folks no less.”

“Me, myself, I don’t mind it all that much,” stated starting power forward and recently crowned “Employee of the Month” Zach Randolph. “In the NBA, you’ve always got the media and fans watching your every move. It can be a lot of pressure. But when I’m explaining the details of a customer’s bill or signing someone up for the HBO/Showtime package, it’s just me and the customer. You don’t get that kind of intimacy on the court. Of course, that recording always says that they might be recording the call for training purposes, but I don’t believe it. My game on the court and on the phone is all about going one-on-one.”

Some players were concerned that they might not be cut out for the rigors of answering angry calls and explaining the complex intricacies of extended cable service contracts.

“At first, I tell Mr. Allen that I no think I best man for job,” explained Viktor Khryapa. “My English, she is getting better, but over the phone is tough, and Americans speak with much quickness. To give me confidence, Mr. Allen had me call customer service at Dell and Microsoft. My English much better than theirs, so now I think I can do it. A good coach give worker strength and tools to do good.”

While some have been skeptical as to whether Allen is really struggling for money; it seems that, at least for the moment, everyone is doing their part to make the Trail Blazers and Vulcan Capitol a profitable venture.

“Everyone is making sacrifices at this point,” remarked Conn, “even Paul. Did you know he’s given up his daily dodo egg omelet? Can you imagine, a billionaire giving up his favorite meal just to satisfy the people of Portland? And what does he get in return? A big ‘screw you’ from city hall. I can tell you one thing, old Paul’s a real bitch to be around when he doesn’t get that omelet. I tried getting him to eat a chicken egg omelet, but the poor guy just couldn’t gag it down. You haven’t seen suffering until you’ve seen an adult man tear up at the thought of eating a regular omelet.”

How About Them Blazers?

2006-02-27T08:12:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, my gaming advice was right this time, though just barely. Paul Pierce and Wally Szczerbiak were unstoppable, Ryan Gomes dominated the boards, and the Blazers lost, again, 102-96. Nate had nine guys at his disposal, one of them being Ha, a sick Darius (in the literal sense), and not much else. Martell did have a career night, playing 41 minutes and scoring 24 points, but you'd probably be a little delusional if you thought that a 19 year-old rookie could carry this team to victory.

Things didn't get a whole lot better last night, as the Red and Black fell to the Hornets 88-75 at the Rose Garden. Both Zach and Darius had good games, scoring 23 and 22 respectively, but no one else had much to offer. The Blazers shot a ludicrous 41.1% from the free throw line, which has to be the equivalent of closing your eyes and throwing the ball in the general direction of the basket. They also got out-rebounded 46 to 33. On the bright side, the Blazers did shoot a higher field goal percentage than the Hornets, so feel free to revel in the streets over that tidbit.

The hits keep coming tonight, as the Blazers take on newly acquired Brian Skinner's old employer, the Sacramento Kings. The line is Sacto -13.5, but the over/under I'm interested in is how many points will ex-Blazer Sergei Monia score tonight. I'm sure Bonzi can give him a few pointers regarding sticking it to your old team.

Today is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life

2006-02-24T13:25:00.000-08:00

In the face of a barrage of bad news, we must remember; life goes on, the world still turns, and any other apt motivational phrases turned television show names that I might be overlooking. The Blazers take on the Celtics at the Rose Garden tonight, assuming Paul Allen can borrow enough money to turn the lights on come game time. The Celtics put the serious beat down on the Blazers in Boston two weeks ago, though that was when the Blazers were still without Darius. The Celtics don't have anyone capable of guarding a healthy and motivated Miles, but who knows if that Darius is going to show up tonight.

The Blazers will be without Joel (tendonitis), Theo (bad ankleitis), Sebastian (bringing a gun on the team planeitis), and possibly Zach (bad tooth, or as it's more commonly known, the Derek Anderson Syndrome). Taking into consideration that Ruben and Charles Smith are gone and Lenard/Skinner (Free Bird!) are still in post-trade limbo, Mac-10 has eight guys to work with. So much for those problems finding playing time for everyone. If you notice Nate staring into the stands tonight, rest assured that he's looking for possible subs to work into the rotation from the general public.

Though I swore off giving sports betting advice, I have to say that the Celtics only being favored by two seems like a great way to make some weekend spending cash if you're not averse to betting against the Blazers. Bookie Randy Stafford has a great line in that article pertaining to the possibility of Zach not playing. He quips, "We were aware of Randolph but we don’t think much of him anyway." Ouch. Of course, I have a long history of being wrong when it comes to wagering and the Blazers, so here's hoping I continue that streak.

Update: Jason Quick in the QuickChat today says that Darius stayed home sick today, so he probably won't play, though he also said that Zach will be suiting up, albeit with a fat lip.

Cleaning Up

2006-02-24T08:18:00.000-08:00

So, just for the record, the Blazers have traded Ruben Patterson and Charles Smith to Denver for Voshon Lenard (from Denver) and Vitaly Potapenko (from Seattle). The Blazers then turned around and traded Vitaly to the Kings, along with Sergei Monia, for Brian Skinner. Bottom line, the Blazers now have Lenard and Skinner.

Paul Allen wants your money.

Sebastian Telfair has been suspended two games by the NBA for coming heavy on the team plane. Thanks a lot Louis Viutton.

Poor little Derek Anderson, who just can't seem to get a break even though he's one of the premier shooting guards in the league, has been traded to Miami for Gerald Finch and a trade exception. The good thing is that with the enormous amount of old people in Miami, Derek should be able to get a killer deal on a set of dentures.

Ducks win! Ducks win! Ducks win!

Portland, Can You Spare A Dime?

2006-02-23T18:09:00.000-08:00

The AP, along with KGW and KOIN, are reporting that Paul Allen has been asking various political heavyweights if they might be willing to fork over some tax dollars to help offset the costs of running an uncompetitive basketball team. Supposedly, Allen has already talked to Governor Ted Kulongoski, and has plans on talking to Portland Mayor Tom Potter in hopes of getting some relief from a supposed 100 million dollar shortfall Allen's lackeys have projected over the next 3 years.

One of those lackeys, Lance Conn (who is a disgrace to the name Lance), is quoted as saying that "all options are on the table" regarding bring the Trail Blazers back into fiscal solvency. The conventional wisdom is that Allen might be considering moving the team if the state doesn't agree to kick in, but I have my doubts as to whether the NBA would let such a thing happen. Some coy statements by Allen during the Super Bowl media day, coupled with moves that seem to be focused more on cost cutting than on competitiveness have fueled rumors that Allen is fixing to sell. These new developments certainly won't assuage those rumblings.

Of course, this is a seemingly common tactic used by NBA owners when they get tired of losing games and large amounts of cash all at the same time. It seems more than a tad unsavory for one of the richest men in the world to go begging for handouts from a state that is battling serious budget shortfalls in education and social services, but I guess guys don't become billionaires by having shame. According to the AP, Allen's dealings have lost more than 12 BILLION DOLLARS over the last decade. You know what that means Paul? You're a shitty business man. Why would the state or the city of Portland want to go in with a partner who has already proved himself a bubbling retard when it comes to business dealings?

I love the Blazers as much as anyone, but screw public funding. If Paul wants to save some money, switch to one-ply toilet paper on the cruise liner. Blazers management has run this team into the ground over the last 5 years, and now Allen wants a bailout because his incompetent staff has given out terrible contracts, drafted not-ready-for-prime-time high schoolers, and fails miserably at running the largest venue in the state? Not on your life chubs. When you run shop like a drunken sailor, you deal with the hangover yourself.

Ruben Movin'

2006-02-23T10:26:00.000-08:00

So it finally happened. Ruben Patterson and Charles Smith are on their way to Denver along with Reggie Evans, Voshon Lenard and Vitaly "The Potato" Potepenko (credit for that nick goes to Nuss at SuperSonicSoul) are new Blazers, and Earl Watson, Byron Russell, and Denver's 2nd rounder are on the way to Seattle as we type. I gotta say that I like this trade, as it we rid ourselves of the Rube and we don't take back much. Lenard provides a decent stop-gap at SG and, probably most importantly, comes off the books next year, while Vitaly, though basically worthless, only makes about 3 million a year and is an upgrade from our third string turned starting center Ha. Ruben had some nice things to say after the loss to the Bobcats last night regarding his situation. So for hopefully the last time, take it away Ruben:

"This might be my last one. Thought I'd go out with a bang. This is it. I mean, let me be free. They need to trade me for a big man. This has gotta be my last game. I know the trading deadline is tomorrow and nothing against the fans of Portland, but I just want to be happy. Hopefully, things go right for me. I just want to start my career over."

Yes Ruben, 30 year-old back-up small forwards are setting the NBA on fire, and I'm sure you'll be the next to do so. Besides Ruben, I'll save my sympathy for Charles Smith, as he has the unlucky fortune of having to continue to serve as your teammate, and the citizens of Colorado, as if they haven't had enough experiance with NBA players moonlighting as sex offenders. I'm guessing Rube is going to be getting the majority of time at shooting guard, because he sure as hell isn't getting his personally mandated 25 minutes a night behind Carmelo. George Karl has said that he likes Ruben's game, though Rube's game has never been the problem. Time will tell whether or not Karl will like Ruben's mouth, attitude, and his way with the ladies.

The move also reunites Ruben with his old Cincinnati partner in crime Kenyon Martin. No word yet on whether or not Bob Huggins is sober enough to be brought on as an assistant coach, but Karl is definitely going to need someone around to dole out hush money to the scores of traumatized Denver residents whom Rube and K-Mart will undoubtedly leave in their wake.

So Denver gets some defense, Seattle gets a back-up PG with a hella long contract and a decrepit Byron Russell, and Portland gets a back-up PF/C and a little cap room, and one less Ruben Patterson. Wrap it up; I'll take it. So long Ruben, don't forget to register when you get to Colorado, you scum bag.

Update: It seems as if I spoke too soon. Rumor is the deal now has Brian Skinner coming to the Blazers from Sacto instead of Vitaly, in exchange for Sergei. Potepenko supposedly is off to the Kings, and the Blazers are still getting Lenard. I liked the first version a lot better. Skinner makes too damn much. This still hasn't been finalized, so who knows what it will look like when everything shakes out.

Hit It and Quit It.

2006-02-22T08:31:00.000-08:00

A big thanks to the prolific ChunkStyle23 (brother of Ravenal) for bringing my attention to this mention of Blazers Basketball at Deadspin. You'll notice that I was honored with the #1 best Blazer fan site , which probably says more about the lack of Blazer blogs than it does about the quality of this one.

Not only does Chunk help run one of the better hoops blogs out there, but he also stays up late reading this blog. Check out the time tag on the comment. Way to put in the late night work Chunk. Now that I've hit the big time, I promise I won't forget all of you little people.

When I started this lil' old web log last November, I just assumed it would crap out within a few weeks, much like ever other endeavor I've undertook. To my surprise though, it's been mildly popular and a lot of fun to work on. I've enjoyed every comment and criticism, and for that, I thank you, the four regular readers that frequent this site.

Since you've all given so much to me, I've decided I'd like to give something back. You've probably never noticed the counter at the bottom of the page, but if you have, you'll notice that we're coming up on our 10,000th hit here at Blazers Basketball HQ. I realize that's infinitesimal in the grand scheme of the internet hitness, but I'm proud of it nonetheless, especially considering that there probably aren't even 10,000 current Blazer fans in the greater Willamette Valley.

So you're probably saying to yourself, "Way to pat yourself on the back Lance, you self-absorbed jerk. What's in it for me?" We'll here it is. The first 15 people that leave a comment on this post and e-mail me at www.blazersbasketball@yahoo.com (yes, the "www." part in the e-mail address has to be included) will receive a package of Hit chocolate biscuits and a burned CD of many of the songs mentioned here on Blazers Basketball, which includes songs by artists such as Johnny Cash, The Talking Heads, Snoop Dogg, and The Gorillaz. Of course, you'll have to send me your address in the e-mail (I wouldn't put it in the comments if I were you), but I promise not to use or sell your information in any way there after. If you're not one of the first 15, you'll still get the CD, but I can't afford to give out cookies willy-nilly. So there you go; a small token of my gratitude. Here's to another 10,000 hits.

Oh yeah, the Blazers lost to the Lakers last night. Zach took one to the chops, to which I can only say: Stay away from DA's dentist Z-Bo.

Miami's Vice

2006-02-20T08:48:00.000-08:00

Great stuff from Eric over at the OregonLive Blazer Blog. Putting in work on a Sunday? That's dedication.
If Ruben wants to go to the Heat, someone buy him a case of sun screen and put him on the first charter flight full of blue hairs to Florida. If there is actually an interest from Pat Riley, Nash should be willing to take on anyone short of Antoine Walker to get it done. A wannabe contender is the only team that is going to be interested in a guy like Ruben, and Miami certainly fits that bill. The thing is, in the right setting (Miami), with the right coach (Riley), and with the right group of dynamic, locker room heavies (Shaq), Ruben could be useful. A trade of James Posey and Wayne Simien for Rube works. This would be a great trade for the Blazers, as they get a decent, big guard whose contract is expiring, a young power forward, and, most importantly, one less Ruben Patterson. Granted, Riley would almost have to be sure that getting the Rube would put them over the top, or else it wouldn't make much sense for Miami to trade an expiring contract and a rookie, but that's for Miami to deal with. Of course, Dwayne Wade and Michael Doleac for Ruben works as well, but I doubt Miami would be willing to part with a young superstar like Doleac.

The Big Get Bigger

2006-02-15T15:23:00.000-08:00

Two things that strike me about this picture:

That is easily the largest newborn I've ever seen in my life.
You're a pretty lady Noelle; lay off the make-up.

No word yet on whether or not Mike Barrett has stopped harassing Joel and his happy new family. Once again, congratulations. Now if we could just get some pictures of Vladimir, Samaya, and McKinney.

Kids With Guns

2006-02-15T12:23:00.000-08:00

Breaking news is that Sebastian Telfair has been fined and suspended for bringing a Smith & Wesson handgun on the team plane. I'm guessing that means he won't be playing tonight. It sounds like it could have actually been an honest mistake, but I wouldn't be surprised if no one believed him. It just goes to show that Louis Vuitton should come up with more than one design.
Update: The official Blazer reaction here.

One and Halfway Done

2006-02-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

Big win against (ahem) the Bobcats on Monday. Darius "The DMZ" Miles made his triumphant return to the court, lifting the Blazers to their first win in 4 games. The Bald One, in what one can only assume was a column cranked out in the waning minutes before his deadline, asserted that Darius was the reason the Blazers were getting bitch slapped up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Way to make the Bald One look stupid Darius, though he doesn't really need any help in that department.

Tonight the "B Boys" take on the New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets in their last game before the All-Star break. It would be nice for the Mac-10 and the rest of the Blazers to have some momentum going into the break, especially considering the whole team will have a lot of time to focus on the game as no one in red and black will be participating in any All-Star activity. The Hornets have been on a tear lately, winning four in a row, including eight of their past nine games. The last three wins were earned despite the absence of rookie sensation Chris Paul, who some consider the foremost reason why John Nash should get the boot after the season concludes. No word yet on whether or not Paul will be playing tonight, but if he does, you can be sure that Nash is going to keep his fingers crossed that Sebastian Telfair outplays him. The Blazers are 9 point dogs tonight. Make of that what you will, because I'm done giving out betting "advice."

Przy-Baby

2006-02-13T17:36:00.000-08:00

Congrats on the bundle of joy Joel. I can't imagine what would convince a woman to have the child of a man who's over seven feet tall. That Noelle must be one tough broad. I'll give only one piece of advice to the young parents: Don't let your children grow up to be Canadian. Welcome to Portland Anthony.
Update: "Little" Anthony weighs in at 9 pounds, 13 ounces. That's a lot of baby.

The Best Defense...

2006-02-13T10:45:00.000-08:00

The wheels have come off. After a brief 10 game stint in which the Blazers looked like they might be pulling it together, the team has concluded what I would consider the most embarrassing three game streak in recent Trail Blazer history. Thrice in a row have the Blazers been blown out by fellow bottom-dwelling, injury-riddled teams from the Eastern Conference. To make matters worse, the center tandem of expecting father Joel Przybilla and current parent Theo Ratliff have fallen prey to the injury bug. This leaves an already struggling defense without its two best defensive players, not to mention that fact that it thrusts Ha Seung-Jin into a prominent role, though it is yet to be seen if that will entail starting or coming off the bench. Truly, we're through the looking glass here people.

So what to do? The Blazers guards are getting abused nightly on defense, though it's due more to their small stature than a lack of effort. The Pacers Stephen Jackson (6'8), Paul Pierce (6'6) and Wally Szczerbiak (6'7) of the Celtics, and Mo Peterson (6'7) and Mike James (6'2) of the Raptors have all had their way with Steve (6'3), Juan (6'3, standing on a milk crate), Sebastian(6'0), and Jarrett(6'3) as of late. Actually, it's been pretty much all season, but now that the interior defense is failing as well, it's become that painful to watch. So in an attempt to be action oriented, I've come up with a few new defenses that might help the Blazers overcome their current woes.

The Krav Maga Defense
Fashioned on the hard streets of Bratislava by Imi Lichtenfeld, Krav Maga (directly translated from Hebrew as "close combat") is a method of self defense practiced by the Israeli army. If there's a group of people out there who know about defense and offense, it's the Israelis. While Imi created Krav Maga to protect himself and fellow Jews from marauding bands of fascists in 1930's Slovakia, it's quite applicable to today's defensive minded NBA. Krav Maga relies on five basic ideas:

Avoid Injury: This seems apt enough. John Nash is going to start trolling local Park and Rec leagues for anyone over 6'5 if anyone else goes down, so staying healthy is going to have to be a primary tenet of any new defensive scheme.
Go from defending to attacking as quickly as possible: That's just sound, fundamental basketball/combat theory there folks. In case you haven't noticed, the Blazers aren't exactly offensive dynamos either, so using the defense to create some offense just makes good sense. The Blazers are obviously young, so I think it would behoove whatever mix of players Nate throws out there to use those fresh legs to the best of their advantage.
Use the body's natural reflexes: Again, this is another area in which the youth of the Blazers could be used as an advantage. Anyone who's ever had the unfortunate experience of driving right after the local chapter of the AARP lets out can tell you that as a person gets older, their reflexes get worse. Why not use the youth and skill of the young Blazers to overcome the old age and treachery of the NBA's elder statesmen? And who knows, maybe the opposing team would be willing to settle games by way of a Simon tournament.
Strike at any vulnerable point: Granted, Imi was referring to targeting the eyes and groin, and at this point that might not be that bad of an idea, but in order to stay within the parameters of NBA rules and fair play in general, the Blazers could take a more theoretical approach to this principle. For instance, the Blazers play the Bobcats tonight, who are another young, somewhat banged-up team, with Okafor, Knight, and Felton all coming off of or nursing nagging injuries. They're tenderized right now, so the Blazers need to come out aggressive and physical; make sure that every bucket hurts. Every time Okafor gets the ball, drop Ha on his ankle. Every time Brevin Knight tries to drive, drop Ha on his knee.
Use any tool or object nearby: That includes chairs, shoes, the ball, cameras, and of course, Ha. Kobe's starting to get hot? In-bound the ball into his face. Carmelo Anthony keeps shooting over your head? Throw your shoe at him as he elevates. It's all so simple!

Of course, one problem with the Krav Maga defense is that not many people teach Krav Maga outside of Israel. Then again, I'm sure a few relaxing days in Tel Aviv could do this team some good.

The Opossum Defense
Since the Krav Maga defense might lead to an increased amount of foul calls, it's important to be adaptable. In an effort to conserve energy and fouls, I purpose that the Blazers, when the opportunity or necessity arises, switch to the opossum defense, which consists mostly of laying on the court and pretending your dead. In the wild, the opossum lays lifelessly when a predator approaches, letting itself get pawed and gnawed until the predator eventually loses interest and goes about finding another, more lively woodland creature to consume. In respect to the Blazers, if they simply flopped on the court and waited for the other team to lose interest, maybe they'd leave before the game was over, allowing the Blazers to run uncontested lay-up drills to victory. Some might say it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to fashion a defense after the instincts of North America's only native marsupial, but those people fail to realize that the opossum has been around since the time of dinosaurs. Any animal that has no form of pro-active self defense but has nonetheless successfully roamed the earth for millions of years must be doing something right.

The Insanity Defense
Used by the sane and insane alike, the Insanity Defense is predicated on the ability to convince your opponent that you're not fit to defend yourself, at least from a mental standpoint. No one likes to beat up on a team they feel sorry for, so why not convince opposing teams that the majority of the Blazer roster is mentally challenged? That's got to be worth at least a few pity wins. It's really a rather simple defense to implement; most often watching a few episodes of Law and Order, Law and Order: SVU, or Law and Order: Criminal Intent will give a player more than enough material to convince even the most hardened official that you're fit to be tied. Juan could take the court with all of his clothes on backwards. Zach could come out in a diaper, all the while sucking his thumb. Ruben could just be Ruben. Even Nate could get in the act, doing something as outlandish as giving significant playing time to a 7'3, 20 year-old South Korean. Oh, wait.

At this point, nothing should be off the table. It's one thing to get embarrassed by the Spurs and Suns; it's another thing to get punked by the Raptors. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and it don't get much more desperate than this.

"Adopt the Pace of Nature: Her Secret is Patience"

2006-02-08T09:01:00.000-08:00

Things have been running pretty slow here at Blazers Basketball HQ. We all know what happened in the Nugget game, so no point in bringing up bad memories. The Blazers have had a few days off since the Denver game, so hopefully they've put it behind them, especially The Jack. Mac-10 and the Blazer posse take on a decimated Indiana tonight, which hardly makes this game a sure thing considering that Indy recently did something that few have done this year; beat the Pistons. The Pacers are without Jermaine O'Neal, Jamal Tinsley, and Austin Croshere, but they still have the Bearded Serbian and a host of athletic role players. Neither team has played since Saturday, so the team that shakes off the rust the fastest probably has the inside track to win this one. The spread is the Pacers -6.5 according to covers, to which I would say, bet the organic soybean farm on the Blazers. The Blazers are 4-0 against the spread (ATS) when playing on 3 days rest or more. Granted, the Pacers are also 4-0 ATS the last four times they've played the Blazers, but without Jermaine and against an ever improving Blazer squad, I think that streak falls like Niagara. In light of this excellent gaming opportunity, I leave you with the immortal words of DMX, "Ain't no purpose dog. You born to fuckin die. In the meantime, get money!" Get money indeed.

Topics in the mist:

So much talk about Theo getting traded to NY, possibly with Darius or Ruben. In my opinion, it's all crappy New York media hype. It seems as if no deal is going to get the Blazers far enough under the cap to throw big dollars at Pryzbilla, so I find it unlikely that Nash is going to trade away his only other NBA-caliber center. Sorry Ha.
Speaking of Pryz, even more talk and hand-wringing about Toronto clearing cap space to sign Joel when he becomes a FA after this season. If you feel the need to beg Pryz in writing, check out RipCity 24/7 for ways in which to contact Big White. Maybe someone could also get in touch with Franz Bread and see if they'll offer Pryz another sponsorship deal.
Sergei and Martell are back from the D-league.

I'm Just Trying to Get Paid

2006-02-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

Finally feeling good again. I don't think it's any coincidence that as I've started to feel better, so has Darius. Much like Elliot got sick when E.T. was dying, so too has my weakness and congestion disappeared as Darius' knee has progressively improved. So I'd like to give a big shout-out to the fine medical staff taking care of Darius. You do good work.

Even without Darius, the Blazers have been playing some mighty fine basketball lately. After beating the Sonics with a Chalupa-worthy score of 116-111 at Key Arena, the Blazers made a quick trip home to lose in a close one to the World Champion Spurs. It's truly amazing to see how much of a difference that Nate is having on this team. If Mo Cheeks were still "coaching" this team, we'd be lucky to beat the Southridge girl’s team. Guys are playing hard every game, which is something that hasn't happened in Portland in some time. Mac-10 has found a good balance between trying to win games and playing the young talent. The Blazers still have a hard time closing out games, which is a hallmark of young teams, but I wouldn't be surprised if in another month or two, the Blazers win a few of those close games that so far have ended up in the loss column.

Tonight the Blazers face the T-Wolves for the likely the last time this year. I suppose it's always possible that the Blazers could make the playoffs, but from what I've read it's unlikely that half of the teams in the Western Conference are going to be coming down with the Hantavirus any time soon, so this is probably the last chance for the Blazers to get the better of Tiny Head Garnett and the newly acquired Ricky Davis. It's also the beginning of a seven game road swing, which will really give everyone a good idea of what kind of progress this team has made, not to mention what kind of team they're going to be in the second half of the season.

In possibly the most important news though, The Trail Blazers have become the darlings of the sports betting community, as this article from Covers.com illustrates (hat tip to the always on point Henry Abbott at TrueHoop.com). It seems that Vegas has been taking the "Red and Black Attack" a little too lightly, as they've gone 7-2-1 against the spread in the last 10 games. That's money in the bank son! Of course, now that the word is out, the lines have started to come down, as the Blazers are just 2 point dogs in tonight's game. Both the T-Wolves and the Blazers are 23-20-1 against the spread this year, so it's anyone's guess on who to put your cash down on this one.

Please Paul, Don't Hurt 'Em

2006-01-30T09:22:00.000-08:00

I still feel like crap. I'm about ready to ditch my faith in modern medicine and find a nice apothecary who sells leaches and gall from a castrated boar for my ailments. In the meantime, there's been a lot of talk in the OregonLive Blazer forum about the article pertaining to Paul Allen and his recent success with the Seahawks ownership, and conversely, his recent lack of success with the Trail Blazers. Just because a guy doesn't state categorically that he won't sell the team doesn't necessarily mean that he intends on jumping ship. Besides, after the SeaChickens get rocked by Pittsburgh this Sunday, Paul is going to be happy that he's got another team to follow, even if it is the lowly Blazers.

In more important news, the Blazers continue their road trip (which didn't get off to such a great start) with Mac-10's first trip back to Seattle since taking the money and running to our fair Portland. It's got to feel good for Nate to see the Sonics struggling like they are, though they have been playing better ball since Weiss got shitcanned. With any luck, the "Red and Black Attack" will realized the significance this game has for Nate and give it the old college try, or in the case of this team, the old high school try. The game's on KGW, so I'll get to watch it while consuming an elixir consisting of guano, eye of newt, and lemur urine. I wish those Wicca’s could find tastier ingredients.

Third World

2006-01-26T07:42:00.000-08:00

I'm not feeling well, and the game last night didn't help things. After leading for almost the whole game, the Blazers allowed Greg Bukner of all people to push the Nuggets to a 97-94 win at the Garden last night. Is it just me, or do the Blazers almost always get pummeled in the third quarter of games, especially the games they lose? Last night, they got outscored 24 to 15 in the third. That's weak. In the loss to Dallas on Sunday, they got outscored 26 to 19 in the third. Double weak. In the loss to Miami on the 8th, they got outscored 34 to 20, not that the win was ever in doubt for the Heat in that one. Something about that third quarter. After doing a little number crunching, I've found that I'm not crazy. So far this year, the Blazers have scored 938 points in the first quarter, 922 in the second quarter, 803 in the third, and 855 in the fourth. That's a pretty big drop off coming out of halftime. And on top of that, of the 40 games played this year, the Blazers have been outscored in the third quarter 24 times. Finally, the Blazers have scored their lowest point total of the game during the third quarter in 35% of their games this year. Can't the trainer give the team a B-12 shot during the halftime pep talk or something?

In the not-so-old days, I would have attributed it to some of the guys doing bong rips during halftime, but I'm pretty sure Nate doesn't fall for the "it helps my glaucoma" line like Mo Cheeks did.

All Good Things...

2006-01-23T11:00:00.000-08:00

A nice effort by the Blazers last night, though it's always hard to come up short in overtime. Dallas has turned into one of the premier teams in the NBA, so it's no great shame for a team like the Trail Blazers to lose to them. Still, having not beaten the Mavericks in over two years stings, especially with a loud-mouth shmuck like Mark Cuban at the helm.

If Steve Blake keeps improving like he has, I figure he'll be the league MVP in 2 years. I'm so ashamed of doubting you Steve. Please forgive me.

Theo Passes Math, Fails English.

2006-01-18T08:14:00.000-08:00

While perusing Blazers.com today, I came across an interesting game in the "Fun Files" section of the site. It seems that Wyoming grad and energy drink mogul Theo Ratliff has his own "Math Challenge." While I was using my fingers to add 17+11, I noticed that the title at the top of the page read "Theos' Math Challenge." Of course, even I know that it should read "Theo's Math Challenge." No big deal. I then proceeded to read more of the question, the next line stating "TRAILBLAZERS vs. L.A Lakers" which is weird, because I could have swore that "Trail Blazers" is two words. And there are usually two dots when abbreviating Los Angeles as L.A.
Well, whatever. It was the next line that really confused me, as it reads "Sabastian Telfair scored 17 points and Shareef Abdur-Rahim scored 11 points." For crying out loud, you can't spell the name of one of your own players correctly? Does Sebastian know? Are the Blazers trying to teach math at the detriment of spelling and grammar? I know that a tech guy like Paul Allen would probably prefer to steer children to a life of math and science, but come on Paul, language arts are important too.

Proving Your Worth in Fort Worth

2006-01-16T10:17:00.000-08:00

Our boys have been on a tear of late, winning three in a row, the last two coming against Orlando on Friday and Cleveland on Sunday. What a weekend. Those three wins, coupled with Houston losing there last five, means that Portland no longer retains the distinction of last place team in the Western Conference. Hold your heads high. Ruben Patterson more than anyone has been the key to this mini-streak of wins, playing great defense, providing a post presence on offense other than Zach, and being an all-around good guy. I'm still of the opinion that Ruben needs to be traded, but every game that he provides a spark off the bench and acts uncharacteristically unselfish weakens the resolve of my distain for the Rube. The way I see it, Ruben has more value now than he's ever had, making the likelihood of Nash getting something decent in return greater by the day.

The big news, though, is that Martell Webster and Sergei Monia have been relegated to the Fort Worth Flyers, Portland's (and a few other teams) D-league affiliate. Martell and Sergei will joins hoops luminaries like Deji Akindele, Kelenna Azubuike, and Vonteego Cummings, who, according to his bio, was born in 1976, but played his college ball at Pittsburgh through 1999, making him a 25 year-old rookie. You don't see that much anymore. I think the move will benefit a guy like Sergei, who's already been around the European block, but a kid like Martell, who is somewhat of a grandmamma's boy, might have a hard time transitioning to another locale, again. So, which hopes of easing the transition from life in Portland to life in Fort Worth, I've provided some tips on things to do in the town whose biggest claim to fame is as an American Airlines hub.

Fort Worth is home of the Cowtown Coliseum, which was the home of the first indoor rodeo. Someone might need to explain to Sergei what exactly a rodeo is. For that matter, maybe someone should brief Martell on the subject as well. I'm sure Vonteego could show them the ropes. If there's a better Friday night venue for a 19 year-old Seattle native and a 22 year-old Russian than an indoor rodeo, then I've never heard of it.
The White Elephant Saloon was named "One of the Best 100 Bars in America" by Esquire Magazine, and was once featured on Walker, Texas Ranger staring the great Chuck Norris! Tell me that doesn't kick ass. I guess they have a lot of cowboy hats too, which is one of my personal criteria for a good bar. Of course, Martell isn't of age yet, but I'm sure Vonteego could hook him up with a fake ID. Unfortunately, they already missed the Jake Ingram CD release party, which I know really bummed Sergei out, but I'm sure he'll be back when his next CD drops.
But there's more to do in Fort Worth than drink beer and watch grown men fight with livestock. According to the Fort Worth Convention and Visitors Bureau, Fort Worth is "the museum capitol of the southwest," which is one of the most hotly contested distinctions in the cut-throat world of museum classifications. Martell and Sergei can learn all about the exciting history of commercial aviation at the American Airlines C.R. Smith Museum, check out some dirty pictures drawn by Picasso at the Modern Art Museum of Fort Worth, and for the non-traditional cowboy enthusiast (I think both Marty and Sergei fall into this category), there are the National Cowboys of Color Museum and Hall of Fame and the National Cowgirl Museum and Hall of Fame. So if Martell and Sergei thought that only white men were dumb enough to fight livestock, they've got another thing coming.

I'm sure this demotion comes as a bitter pill for both Martell and Sergei (whom I think we should consider calling "S&M" during their stints in Fort Worth), but I think it's best for both of them to look on the bright side. It surely rains less in Fort Worth, Dallas is just a short drive down Interstate 20, and you're sure to have an easier time finding one of those Cadillac’s with a bull horn hood ornament than you would here in Oregon. I think S&M will kick some serious ass for the Flyers, and come back to Portland better for the experience. Good luck guys, and watch out for Vonteego.

How Sweet It Is

2006-01-12T10:30:00.000-08:00

There's no better way to end a six game losing streak than to beat the Lakers while denying Kobe his precious statistical milestones, and getting Chalupas for the first time this year. That, my friends, is a trifecta worth noting in this season of less-than-notable events. If it wasn't the best game of the year for the Blazers, it was certainly the most enjoyable. Stevie, Rube, and Juan all had stellar games. The team as a whole shot 52.4% from the field and 75.9% from the free-throw line, which are both well above the season average. And as the old man said, the Blazers are 3 for 3 on bobblehead nights, which begs the question: "When is the Ha bobblehead night?"

Of course, there was the requisite controversy (if you could call it that) before the game, which entailed Zach being late for shoot around for the 4th time. His punishment was losing his starting job to Theo "Don't Bring That Weak Stuff in Here Chris Mihm" Ratliff, but lighting quick foul trouble caused the punishment to last about a minute. Personally, I don't understand the hardass stance on tardiness, but I guess rules are rules. Some pundits would rather the Blazers lose and make a point than win and allow a late arrival for shoot around to be what it really is; not a big deal. So I've come up with a solution that I think is fair and implementable. I'm going to look into getting Z-Bo studio apartment next to the Rose Garden, not because it pisses me off that he's late, but because I'm tired of reading articles and blog entries about what a worthless near-do-good Zach is because he shows up 5 minutes late. We could set him up a nice cot, maybe a few folding chairs, a nice accent rug, you know, make it nice and homey. If you're willing to kick in, let me know.

Travis Tells All

2006-01-11T09:18:00.000-08:00

Soon to be bobbleheaded Trail Blazer Travis Outlaw sat down for an online rap session with fans yesterday, and hot damn, did he dish some dirt! Sometimes it's hard to get athletes to open up, as every word they say is often scrutinized by fans and media alike, but Trav threw caution to the wind and told it like it really is. Take this juicy tidbit for example (all questions and answers are presented in their entirety):

Tom (Salem): Travis, what was the hardest thing to get used to the life of being an NBA player?

Travis Outlaw: I can't really say, it hasn't been a problem.

Finally, a player admits that being in the NBA is nothing but sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. So for all of you kids out there who were considering a life in the NBA but were concerned about the rigors of finding a good personal chef; take heart. Travis says it ain't that hard.

But what about strategy Travis? Everyone knows that Trav is one of the premiere tacticians in the NBA, and much of what he does mentally on the court is way over my head, but please Trav, give us a little taste of the complex cat and mouse that takes place on the court when playing a guy like, oh I don't know, Kobe Bryant:

Elyse, Santa Barbara: You guys host the Kobe and the Lakers tomorrow night. What are you going to do to try to end his hot streak?
Travis Outlaw: I'm just gonna try and be aggressive and stay in front of him.

Whoa Travis, slow down a bit. Some of us aren't versed in the intricacies of defensive theory in the NBA. And could you spell "aggressive" please?

But Travis, what about the other guys on the team. Some have criticized this team for being lazy and playing without heart, but we only get to see the games. Does that carry over into practices?

Chris (Hillsboro): Who is the hardest working player in practice?

Travis Outlaw: Hmmm. I don't know, everybody works hard.

Hmmm is right Travis. I just assumed that no one was working hard in practice. Shows what I know. Any other juicy tidbits about the rest of the guys?

Ervin P.R: Hi Travis.Who is the funiest guy of the Trail Blazers?

Travis Outlaw: Zach.

Oh no you didn't! You better watch your back Outlaw. When word gets back to Zach, there's going to be trouble. You just don't call a player out like that without some sort of repercussion. If you got beef with someone, you keep out of the media Travis.

But what about Travis Outlaw, the real person. So many athletes try to put on a front, but I've got a feeling that Travis is different. What makes Travis Outlaw the beautiful snowflake that he is?

beaverton: what do u like to do on your free time? do u get much free time?

Travis Outlaw: I play my Playstation and go to the mall in my free time.

Fascinating. It's great to see a man in the tough guy, testosterone fueled NBA really open up and show us another side. But Travis, how are we to know that you're not one of those twinkle toed, show tune singing, face washers?

Brandon(Flint): What's your favorite pregame meal?

Travis Outlaw: Steak and potatoes with vegetables on the side.

Meat and potatoes. Now that's a man's meal, though the whole "vegetables on the side" part still sounds a little metro-sexual.

Well, I feel like I know Travis a whole lot better now than I did before the interview. Some guys think they have to give multi-sentence answers to articulate a point, but not Travis. He gets straight to the crux, without all the unnecessary expansion of salient issues that so many other interviews are cluttered with. Hopefully none of those unscrupulous media-types are going to misconstrue any of his comments. It would be a shame if other athletes clammed up after seeing Travis get drug though the mud for keeping it real.

Crowd Shows Up,Team Doesn't

2006-01-09T08:10:00.000-08:00

A crowd of over 18,000 gathered at the Rose Garden last night to watch the Trail Blazers take on the Miami Heat, only there was one problem: The Blazers never showed up. In an act of generosity, Pat Riley conceded to allow the scoreboard to read 118-89 at the end of the practice scrimmage the Heat ran in place of a game.

"I mean, we flew all the way out here," Riley said. "I figured we might as let these Portland fans see Shaq and Dwayne do their stuff, at least in a limited capacity."

"Shaq came ready to play," bloviated O'Neal, referring to himself in the third person. "Shaq usually don't mind a night off, but when Shaq has to leave the sunny beaches of Miami for this wet-ass Portland, it makes Shaq angry and ready to ball on someone's damp ass. Shaq could have spent this time shooting a 24-Hour Fitness commercial. Shaq no like inefficiency."

Many of the Blazer players were also surprise that they hadn't made an appearance, leading some to wonder if a rift had occurred in the space/time continuum.

"I studied some quantum physics at Michigan State," mentioned ex-Spartan and noted thinker Zach Randolph, "but I never totally bought into the whole contention that time is infinite and interchangeable, but now I'm starting to think that maybe I am a butterfly dreaming I'm a 20 and 10 power forward, rather than a 20 and 10 power forward dreaming that I'm a butterfly. I guess you just can't trust your subconscious mind sometimes."

"Geez, I thought I was there," stated a confused Juan Dixon, "but you can't argue with so many eye-witness accounts. It kind of reminds me of that movie Lost Highway, you know, when Balthazar Getty ends up in jail and that weird guy who kind of looks like Dennis Hopper keeps showing up at parties. I don't think I ever understood that movie until tonight. Existentialism is confusing, that's for sure."

Some of the Portland fans stayed to watch the Heat run the three man weave and some baseline to baseline shuttle runs, but eventually, most of the 18,032 fans left early for various reasons.

"Seeing those guys play Hot Potato and having contests to see who could slap the highest on the backboard really took me back to my old high school playing days," remarked Ben Templeton, an electrician from Hillsboro. "I wish they would have let me try a few times. I know I could out jump Jason Kapono."

"I probably would have stayed, seeing as I coach my daughter's park and rec team," remarked Tina Harmon of Forest Grove, "but I'm pretty sure there's a new episode of The Simpson's on tonight. Sure, it's not as funny as it use to be, but it has its moments."

"I bought courtside seats and stayed up all night making this sign." pouted Shlomo Merkelstein of North Portland, holding up a sign reading 'How Much Fat Could A Fat Shaq Stack If A Fat Shaq Could Stack Fat?' "I even violated the rules of the Sabbath last night, and for what? To see the Heat practice in bounding and boxing out? I was really going to get into Shaq's head, and now all of my efforts are for naught. I'm done with coming to the games for good. Fool Shlomo once, shame on you. Fool Shlomo twice, shame on me. I feel like such a schlemiel."

Coach Nate McMillan seemed indifferent to the situation.

"Come on people," read a statement sent by Coach McMillan, which was postmarked from Bermuda, "what did you think was going to happen anyway? Sure, we could have taken the court and given it our all, but does anyone think the outcome was going to be any different? Let's get honest with ourselves here. Sometimes not attending a scheduled game is part of the rebuilding process."

No word yet on whether or not Coach McMillan and the rest of the Blazers plan on attending the game on Wednesday versus the Lakers, though one member of the team swore he'd be in attendance.

"You're damn straight I'll be there," laughed Travis Outlaw. "It's my bobblehead night. Ain't no way I'm going to miss that. The way I see it, coach has to play me on my own bobblehead night. I mean, that's in the new CBA isn't it?"

O Canada!

2006-01-05T21:08:00.000-08:00

Surprise, surprise. The Blazers get hogtied by the Spurs. In more positive news, I'm considering moving to Canada after reading this article. It's a wonder the Raptors aren't a better team with this kind of fresh thinking in Toronto. God Save the Queen.

Top Gun

2006-01-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

Blazers lose 81-95 to the Dallas Mavericks last night in a game that was winnable until around the 8 minute mark in the 4th. A total lack of three point shooting is going to keep the Blazers from winning almost any game in which they fall behind by more than 10 in the second half. As mentioned in Quick's article, Nate has started to shy away from playing the young guys, only to still come up short, which seems like a really bad idea to me. At least Ruben is going a nice job showcasing himself. Maybe we'll actually get something decent in return for the Rube when playoff time rolls around.

Bear With Me

2006-01-03T08:17:00.000-08:00

For anyone who actually cares, I apologize for the recent lack of posting. I've been on vacation, and now I'm back at work with a boatload of deadlines, so posting will continue to be light for another week or so. If anyone wants guest post anything in the interim, leave me a note in the comments. If you've read this blog with any regularity, you'd know that my standards for quality are fairly low, so most anything halfway intelligible will make the cut.

To keep some sort of dialogue going, I'd like to hear any Trail Blazer related predictions for the year 2006. I'll make two predictions. The first being that Ruben Patterson will be traded for an expiring contract by the end of the season, the second being that the Blazers will end the season with at .500, winning a lot of meaningless games in the last month of the season to playoff bound teams. Happy New Year everybody.

There is a God

2005-12-28T21:39:00.000-08:00

The Trail Blazers are on a 3 game win streak, beating assistant coach Mo Cheeks and the 76ers 91-95 at the Rose Garden. If you're a church-goer, put a little something extra in the collection plate this Sunday, my treat.

Smile When You're Winning

2005-12-28T08:14:00.000-08:00

Happy holidays from Blazers Basketball HQ. Personally, my heads been swimming the last few days with back-to-back road wins against Minnesota and Sacramemento, in which they actually broke the 100 point mark! Huzzah!. Blazer wins are the greatest gift of all. It's hard to tell if this team is actually improving, or just getting slumping teams on bad nights. Whatever the reason though, it still feels nice to root for a winner now and then (thanks a lot Ducks basketball 2005. Losing to Portland and PSU? Like I didn't have enough to hang my head about). If this team can string together a few more wins, who knows what could happen in the weak Northwest Division. Playoffs? No, but sinking another teams playoff chances? Possible.

Things are certainly going to get interesting if this group continues to win, or at least lose close games. Sebastian Telfair is set to return from the inactive list any day now (though supposedly not tomorrow) which brings up a dilemma for Mac-10: Insert Telfair back into the starting lineup even though Stevie Blake and Jarrett Jack have been getting the job done? My guess is that Nate uses Telfair sparingly under the guise of protecting his injury, but that won't fly for longer than a week. After that, Jack probably ends up playing more off-guard, with Blake and Telfair sharing the minutes at the point. I think at this point though, Telfair should have to earn his way back into the rotation. My guess is that, if John Nash were fired last year, Telfair would be spending the better part of the season on the bench, but that's just a guess.

Next up, the Blazers get Iverson and assistant coach Mo Cheeks at the Garden. AI and a rejuvenated Chris Webber each played over 40 minutes last night in a win at Denver, so hopefully they'll be a little winded. The line is Sixers -4. Now that's what I call respect!

Shameless Plug

2005-12-21T12:53:00.000-08:00

If you've got the time, vote for Blazers Basketball as best newcomer blog here. Or don't, if you're a jerk. You're not a jerk, are you?

We Was Robbed

2005-12-21T08:32:00.000-08:00

What a kick in the teeth. The Blazers played their hearts out last night, losing to the vastly favored Detroit Pistons 89-93 in Auburn Hills. If the Blazers could have kept from making a few late game mistakes, this would have been their best win of the season and really something to build on, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. Of course, the referee crew of Leon Wood, Sean Corbin, and Sean Wright didn't help much either, calling two truly horrible fouls on Jarrett Jack in the final minutes of the game, both of which were flops while shooting three pointers by Chauncey "God Damn Am I Ugly" Billups. If it weren't for Sam Cassell, Chauncey would easily be the ugliest point guard in the league, so I guess it's only fair that the ref's take some pity on a guy so physically repugnant.

While I hate to sound like a broken record, I must mention that the game after I penned the carol "Z-Bo the Dough Man", Zach blows up for a career high 37 points. If you've read this little blog lately, you'd know that every time I poke fun at a player, he turns around and has a great game. So that means that Nate uses this site as billboard material, or that I have supernatural powers. Neither would surprise me.

House of Not-As-Much Pain

2005-12-20T09:39:00.000-08:00

As mentioned over at Truehoop, I've been contemplating some kind of campaign to get the Blazers to play at least one game at Memorial Coliseum this year. Nate is an old-school coach, trying to instill old-school values in his players. Where better to instill those values than in the old-school venue? I think this would be a valuable marketing ploy on many levels, as many fans long for the glory days that took place at Memorial. Any team can have a throw-back jersey night, but how many teams can have a throw-back venue night? The young folks love that retro stuff.

As far as I know, Memorial sits empty for the most part, so availability wouldn't be a problem. It's right next to the Rose Garden, so it wouldn't seem too challenging from a logistical standpoint. The Garden isn't even coming close to capacity on game nights, so overcrowding wouldn't seem to be an issue. Of course, those that own luxury boxes at the Garden would probably be against it, but screw them. Between drinking Champaign and eating escargot, they don't watch but a quarter of the game anyway. God forbid they have to sit with the beer swigging proletariat at Memorial for one night.

If the Trail Blazers truly want to reconnect with a working-class fan base, they need to play some games in a working-class venue. And let’s face it; this team needs all the help they can get. Maybe some of the tradition of winning that was established in the Memorial Coliseum would rub off on this young squad. Moreover, we are at war. Memorial Coliseum was build to honor "our veterans of all wars who made the supreme sacrifice." Too many soldiers from Oregon have paid that sacrifice in Afghanistan and Iraq. They deserve a better memorial than an empty, lifeless building. Honor the troops, honor the home of the only professional sports championship in Portland history, and honor the working-class roots of Portland. Bring Memorial Coliseum back to life!

Contact the Trail Blazers here, or call (503) 234-9291. If anyone knows any pertinent e-mail addresses, post them in the comments and I'll post them. The longest journey starts with a single step!

Tis the Season

2005-12-19T11:02:00.000-08:00

In honor of the Holiday season (happy b-day Jesus!) and Zach Randolph's current slump, I submit the following Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza Carol.

Z-Bo the Dough Man (set to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")

Z-Bo the Dough Man

Was a solid, happy pro

With a quick put back and a hustle flow

And a soft torso of dough.

Z-Bo the Dough Man

Has a lot of upside they say

He was made of dough

But the management knows

His game will come to life one day.

There must have been some magic

In that thick headband he found

For when he placed in on his head

20 and 10 could be marked down.

Z-Bo the Dough Man

Was efficient as he could be

And the scouts would say

He could kind of play

Like a rounder, short KG.

Z-Bo the Dough Man

Knew his game was hot some days

So he said “Give me the rock”

“My shot’s impossible to block”

“Coach knows that I make plays.”

Down to the Garden

With a contract in his hand

Scoring here and there without getting air

Saying “Nash, you know I’m the man!”

He led the team in points and boards

His game was at the top

But our hopes were dashed the moment when

Z-Bo’s knee decided to pop.

Z-Bo the Dough Man

Went the micro-fracture way

His post game is bye-bye

And Z-Bo’s reply

Is “They pay me a lot to play.”

Clankity, clank, clank

Clankity, clank, clank

Z-Bo’s game now blows

Clankity, clank, clank

Clankity, clank, clank

6 guaranteed years to go!

Weekend Update

2005-12-19T08:19:00.000-08:00

As if you didn't know, the Blazers got waxed by the Sonics 111-99 on Friday in the game that wasn't ever in doubt. In the moral victory of the day, 99 is really, really close to 100. Could cracking the century mark be far of for this young Trail Blazer team? By the way, you KNOW a game was a blow out when the losing team shoots 59.1%. That means there were a whole lot of uncontested lay-ups against the Sonics junior varsity squad. Once again, I feel as though my words of derision have sparked at least one Trail Blazers to play well. A few days ago, I suggested that Charles Smith be waived in order to open up a roster spot for rebounding PF. So what happened next? Charles came out and scored 15 points in 19 minutes on 6 of 8 shooting. Proof once again that Nate is using this site as billboard material.
Last night, a starting line-up of Steve Blake, Juan Dixon, Viktor Khryapa, Zach Randolph, and Theo Ratliff lead the Blazers to a 92-97 win over the Wizards in front of a storm depleted crowd of 2,923. It just goes to show what can happen when you let everyone move to closer seats when it becomes obvious that they aren't going to be filled. Maryland Terrapins, turned Washington Wizards, turned Portland Trail Blazers Steve and Juan both had great games in their new starting roles, scoring 14 and 20 respectively. Z-Dough continued to stink up the Garden, scoring 9 points on 3 of 13 shooting and only grabbing 5 boards. Luckily for the Blazers, Vik (12 points, 8 rebounds), Theo (7 points, 9 rebounds, 3 blocks), Jarrett (11 points, 6 rebounds, 8 assists, and a perfect 6-6 from the free throw line), Rube (10 points, 5 rebounds) and Charlie Brown (9 points, 3 rebounds) all had solid games. I hate to say it, but I think this team is better without Sebastian Telfair. Nice win Blazers.

Battlefield I-5

2005-12-16T08:47:00.000-08:00

Mr. Slate vs. Mac-10. The Snowflake vs. Frodo. Danny Fortson vs. Whatever NBA referee crew shows up. There's obviously no lack of storylines in this one. The rivalries between Portland and Seattle, be it the Trail Blazers vs. the Super Sonics or the Winter Hawks vs. The Thunderbirds, always have the bitterness and vitriol of an Australian beach party. Tonight is sure to be no different, with each team having added incentive to win. A win tonight for the Blazers would draw Nate and this fledgling team closer during what has been a tough stretch, what with The O fanning non-existent flames while doing their part in keeping alive a rich tradition of journalistic integrity that we as Portland fans have come to cherish. A win for the Sonics is a big F-you to Nate for leaving the team when many thought Seattle were right on the cusp of a championship run. The question is, will Jesus Shuttleworth, Rashard "Too Drunk" Lewis, and the rest of the Sonics show up sporting headbands? Tonight's also "free pair of shorts" night, if you can convince the attendant that you’re under 14. What more could you want in a basketball game? The line is Seattle -4. Make of that what you will.

Over the Board-erline

2005-12-15T08:34:00.000-08:00

Blazer lose 77-82 to the Jazz last night in one of the worst officiated games that I've seen in a while. Touch fouls, bullshit goaltending calls, game changing shot clock violation no-calls, inability to throw a decent jump ball, you name it, this game had it (and it's not just me that think's the referee team of Bennie Adams, Mark Ayotte, and Scott Foster is horrible). It would be easier to commiserate about poor officiating if the Blazers hadn't given up 26 offensive rebounds, which has to be some kind of record. The fact that the Blazer only lost by 5 after getting out-boarded 36-53 is a testament to... well it's a testament to something. On the good news/bad news front, Sebastian is putting himself on the inactive list with a sore paw, which is bad for Telfair, but probably good for the Blazers. Both Jack and (especially) Steve Blake have been outplaying Telfair as of late. If Telfair wasn't injured, Nate would probably have to pull minutes away from him anyway, so at least this way his pride gets to stay intact. This was a tough beat, but I still liked the way the Blazers played for the most part. A few things stuck out:

Ha played a pretty solid game last night. In 12 minutes, he had 2 rebounds, a block, 1 point, and 4 fouls. More importantly, he looked pretty comfortable, which is a big plus if Theo is going to continue to decay on the inactive list.
Zach has to lead the league in most shots blocked. He might try actually getting off the floor when shooting. Helps with the elevation.
In other Z-Dough related news, he had a great quote in The O today, ""Shoot, was is that, seven, eight in a row? Frustrating. I thought we would be a lot better. But guys are playing hard. It's just too many mistakes. We are shooting ourselves in the head." First off, a guy like Zach, who has been involved (although indirectly) with gun violence shouldn't use the word "shoot" so much unless he's taking about his 18 footer. And secondly, I was under the impression that the phrase was "shooting yourself in the foot." I guess things really are that bad at Center One Court.
The Blazers actually shot 78.8% from the free-throw line. Not bad. Unfortunately, they shot 37.5% from both the field and from 3.
Travis Outlaw needs to get more minutes. Haven't you broken him down enough Nate? I thought it was part of the coach's job to instill confidence in his players.
Waive Charles Smith and pick up a big body that can rebound. Is Sam Clancy still available?
The backcourt line-up of Jarrett Jack and Steve Blake works.
Andrei Kirilenko is an absolute stud. He's probably the best ball handler on the Jazz, as well as the best all-around player. But a little note of advice Andrei, that spiked half-fro look isn't working.
Mehmet Okur is a big, dumb, smelly Turk, who I hate. He's only 26? He looks like he's 40! He and Jerry Sloan must be smoking Camel Straights together behind the Delta Center.

Inspirational Korean Proverb of the Day

2005-12-14T16:10:00.000-08:00

"A turtle travels only when it sticks its neck out."

Ruben and Ron

2005-12-13T11:37:00.000-08:00

With the trade floodgates about to open, there is much scuttlebutt brewing about some of the NBA's finest players getting ready to change the registration on their Maybach's and the addresses on their Omaha steak subscriptions. Troubled amateur boxer Ron Artest wants out of Indiana, and in my opinion, no place fits him better than Portland. A Ron Artest for Ruben Patterson and change seems to work. RealGM says it's a go. With Artest scheduled to make 6.5, 7.1, and 7.8 million over the next 3 years, it would seem to jive with the 6.3 and 6.8 that The Rube is on track to receive in the next two years. The Blazers get the best defender/enforcer in the game, and the Pacers get to sustain a decent level of defense and hustle while possibly acquiring a young talent that is languishing on the bench in Portland, a la Jermaine O'Neal. That would mean saying goodbye to Travis, but it's not like Nate is playing him anyway. It would also piss Artest off to no end, which would please Larry Bird and the rest of Pacer management. Of course, this won't happen due to all of the squares who think character should come before winning, which is a loser mindset if I've ever heard one. Personally, I promise to let Ron-Ron punch me in the face before every game if it will translate to wins. Artest would bring the thuggish-ruggish bone mentality that this soft Blazer teams is so sorely lacking. He's also averaging 19 points a game, which might translate to the Blazers actually scoring 100 points before seasons end. In the Whitsitt era, this would be a done deal, but the question now is: Do Nash, Patterson, and Mr. Big have the stones to go against supposed public opinion and get an impact player with a checkered, not-so-distant past? Hell, no one is showing up anyway, so why not take a chance?

Sky Rockets In Flight

2005-12-12T08:29:00.000-08:00

First, the good news: The Blazers broke their 6 game losing streak with a 95-98 overtime home win over the homeless New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets. Once again, the Blazers failed to score 100 points, in an overtime game no less, but a win is a win. And boy did this team need a win. It was a game in which a lineup of rag-tag basketball misfits consisting of Martell Webster, "A Million To" Juan Dixon, Steve 'The Snowflake" Blake, Viktor Khyrapa, and Joel Pryzbilla played extended minutes in the 4th and overtime quarters, and subsequently stopped the proverbial bleeding of this young, often perplexing squad, if only for about 48 hours.

Which brings us to the bad news: The Blazers were unable to start a winning streak last night, losing to Tracy (which is a girl's name) McGrady and the Houston Rockets 100-86 last night at the Garden. Once again, the Blazers were close at half time, only trailing by 5 going into the locker room. Unfortunately, whatever words of inspiration and motivation Nate conjured up must have fallen on deaf ears, as Houston went on to outscore the Blazers in the second half 53-44, many of those 44 coming in garbage time in the waning minutes of the fourth quarter. Zach continued to struggle, going 6 for 22 in route to a 15 point, 13 rebound effort that could be considered pedestrian at best. I think it's safe to say that Z-Dough is broken right now, and with no legit option at back-up PF, things are only going to get worse. The Blazers also continued their tear of horrible free throw shooting, going 58.9% from the not-so-charitable stripe. Seriously, you could pick out guys in a decent city league that would shoot at least 70% from the line. Help me Rick Barry!

In the moral victory of the night, Pryzbilla and Ha "The Seoul Man" Seung-Jin held Yao to 9 points and 5 rebounds. Ha also made 100% of his free-throws! Someone's angling for team captain.

A Friend In Need...

2005-12-08T13:11:00.000-08:00

Darius might not show up every night for the Blazers, but at least he's showing up for his friends. Nice move Darius. Violence is stupid.

Every Which Way to Lose

2005-12-08T08:32:00.000-08:00

The Blazers kicked ass for 3 quarters last night, beating the Northwest Division leading Timberwolves 51-61, before going on a fourth quarter meltdown, resulting in an 84-74 loss. That's six straight losses for the Red and Black Attack, which has prompted me to consider tallying winning quarters rather than winning games. Baby steps. It also marks yet another game that the Blazers failed to score 100, making them the only team in the league to hold that dubious distinction (and no, I'm not counting the 104 points they scored against the Raptors in pre-season. I've got my pride). If the team has a healthy Darius Miles, this is probably a win, but with the DMZ (short for the "Darius Miles Zone" as in, you don't go there) going under the knife, or rather, the small scalpel with a tiny camera attached to it, the Blazer are going to have to live without head-bonks and corn rows, at least for 3 weeks. Zach's bionic knee seems to be acting up as well, so you couple that with Theo's foot and ankle injuries that even his energy drinks can't cure, Martell's infected finger, which also seems to be affecting his blogging (no new entry since November 22? Come on rook!), and you have one broke-ass team going no where. The way I see it, the Blazers weren't going to make the playoffs this year, so we might as well snag another decent draft pick, at least for one more season. Come 2008 though, this team is going to be sick! Back to the future!

Sun Day Morning Coming Down

2005-12-07T08:17:00.000-08:00

I don't really have anything to say about the 85-13o thrashing that the Blazers endured last night at the hands of the Suns. No one played well, Z-Dough faked an injury so that he wouldn't have to continue getting humiliated, Sebastian didn't have a single assist, the team as a whole shot 37%, the Suns shot 50% from 3, seven of nine Suns that played any significant minutes scored in double figures, and even my boy Vik didn't play well. Rather than try and rationalize any of it, I'll leave my few readers with a little song by the late, great Johnny Cash (actually it was written by Kris Kristopherson, but Johnny made it famous). I think it pretty much sums up the Blazers experiance last night. Ladies and gentelman, Johnny Cash:

Well, I woke up Sunday morning
With no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.
And the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad,
So I had one more for dessert.
Then I fumbled in my closet through my clothes
And found my cleanest dirty shirt.
Then I washed my face and combed my hair
And stumbled down the stairs to meet the day.

I'd smoked my mind the night before
With cigarettes and songs I'd been picking.
But I lit my first and watched a small kid
Playing with a can that he was kicking.
Then I walked across the street
And caught the Sunday smell of someone frying chicken.
And Lord, it took me back to something that I'd lost
Somewhere, somehow along the way.

On a Sunday morning sidewalk,
I'm wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cause there's something in a Sunday
That makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothing short a' dying
That's half as lonesome as the sound
Of the sleeping city sidewalk
And Sunday morning coming down.

In the park I saw a daddy
With a laughing little girl that he was swinging.
And I stopped beside a Sunday school
And listened to the songs they were singing.
Then I headed down the street,
And somewhere far away a lonely bell was ringing,
And it echoed through the canyon
Like the disappearing dreams of yesterday.

On a Sunday morning sidewalk,
I'm wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cause there's something in a Sunday
That makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothing short a' dying
That's half as lonesome as the sound
Of the sleeping city sidewalk
And Sunday morning coming down.

I'll be curled up in a ball crying if anyone needs me. Blazers play the Timberwolves tonight. The spread is T-Wolves -7.5. Bet the farm on Minnesota.

Leaders of the New School

2005-12-05T11:32:00.000-08:00

In honor of the newest Trail Blazer fan, lil' Vladimir Khryapa, I submit the first in what is sure to be an infrequent and problem-ridden feature here at Blazers Basketball: The Online Poll! Vote soon before the html crashes the site.

<a href="http://micropoll.questionpro.com/akira/MicroPoll?mode=html&id=3328">View MicroPoll</a><br /><a href="http://www.questionpro.com/">Online Survey</a><br />

My vote goes to Joel's unborn child Anthony. When your dad is over 7 foot, you've got the best shot of making a squad in the NBA. Hell, Shawn Bradley and Greg Ostertaghave both been in the league for years and they're about as worthless as you can get. Samaya is my dark horse, even though there haven't been any women in the NBA, who knows what will happen in 18 years? If she's got even half of the quicks and handles that papa has, she'll make a roster. As far as Vlad goes, I think his game is going to suffer from not being hardened by communist oppression. If Vlad can keep from getting soft off the milk of the capitalist pig, then I'd give him a 50/50 shot. Congratulations to all of the proud new fathers (and soon to be fathers in Joel's case). And in the next poll: Who is the most likely to be the overbearing father who punches out his kid's coach?

<a href="http://micropoll.questionpro.com/akira/MicroPoll?mode=html&id=3328">View MicroPoll</a><br /><a href="http://www.questionpro.com/">Online Survey</a><br />

Jagged Little Patterson

2005-12-05T08:28:00.000-08:00

It seems as though the Blazers used up all of their juice in the first home games of the season, as they are now in a four game losing streak, the last two losses coming at home. A Darius Miles-less squad lost to the Jazz last night 98-93. Wins this year are going to be few and far between, so its games against average competition that the Blazers really need to grab. Last night was one of those games, but alas, it wasn't to be. Aside from Darius being unavailable, there were a few other story lines, one being Martell Webster's first start on his 19th birthday, and the return of Ruben Patterson. Ruben played well, scoring 19, and promised to keep his yap shut. With Darius' knee swelling like a rotting corpse, Ruben is probably going to get his wish of at least 25 minutes a night. What puzzles me is that you would expect Travis Outlaw to get more minutes with Miles out, but Trav only had 5 minutes last night. I guess the trade off is that proud new father (and The Cut's favorite Blazer by the way) Viktor Khryapa logged 18 minutes, scored 9 points on 4-4 shooting, grabbed 3 rebounds and had an assist. Long live Vladimir Khryapa, long live Glasnost! A few things:

The Blazers continued their horrible free-throw shooting, going 23-33. That's 69.7% for all of you statisticians out there. If they had shot 87%, they would have won by a point.
Both teams had 14 turnovers. The difference: Utah scored 22 points off those turnovers, compared to 14 points for the Blazers.
According to the Behind the Blazer Beat blog, Mac-10 had a technical foul, but according to the ESPN.com box score, no technicals were assessed. Could another Jason Quick controversy be in the works?
Everybody hates Turks.

Ruben Patterson: Whiny Bitch For Hire

2005-11-30T11:29:00.000-08:00

Ah Ruben, your stupidity knows no bounds. After getting sent home after the New York loss, Ruben has decided that he wants to be traded. Actually, Ruben has been saying that he wants to be traded for the last few years, but I guess now he really means it. Patterson has been telling anyone capable of listening to his broken English for longer than 10 consecutive seconds that he's worthy of playing big minutes, and that it's a travesty that someone of his vast skill, intelligence, and character shouldn't have to weather the rebuilding process that Portland finds itself in. So Ruben wants to go somewhere else, which is understandable. I want to see Ruben go as well, but what I understand that Ruben doesn't is that Nash isn't going to trade Ruben on Ruben's terms.

So Ruben wants out, his reasoning being that he deserves big minutes to match his big talent. Take it away Ruben!

"I don't think my role of playing 13 or 15 minutes a game is acceptable. I deserve to play 25-plus minutes, but if they want me to play 12 minutes, then they can just put me on the inactive list. I mean, those are rookie minutes."

Oh Ruben, if you always got what you deserved, you'd be serving time for forcing women to give you blow jobs. I find it hard to believe that by virtue of not being a rookie, Ruben feels that he deserves 25 minutes. Tell that to Rick Brunson. 25 minutes is over half the game for someone with a horrible offensive game, some of the worst handles this side of the lobster boy, an infectiously bad attitude, incredibly low basketball IQ, served with a side of semi-decent defensive skills. And he's only making around 7 million a year? How can I be down like that!

If Ruben had anything floating around in that big, marble shaped head of his, he would know that the best way to get traded is to not act like a bitch, but no one has ever accused Ruben of being smart. The problem is three fold. First, if Ruben makes statements like "I deserve to play 25 minutes a night, no matter how many times I turn the ball over or pinch that cute female ref's ass," it makes him virtually untradable to any team that doesn't have at least 25 minutes a night and a great sexual harrassment lawyer waiting for the sex offender. Secondly, his complaining further pushes any trade value that he might have further down the drain. Finally, Ruben publicly demanding to be traded makes other GM's think that they can force Nash's hand, which just isn't going to happen in these Blazer days of fiscal responsibility. When you diss Nash, you diss yourself Rube. So please, try keeping your mouth shut Ruben, and maybe Nash can convince someone more ignorant than yourself to take you on. If not, I'm sure everyone from Paul Allen on down is more than willing to pay your salary for the next two years while you rot on the bench, wasting your infinite talent.

White Whale, Thy Name is Chalupa.

2005-11-30T08:20:00.000-08:00

Way to go A.I. "The Answer" did his assistant coach Maurice Cheeks a solid last night by playing 44 minutes and scoring 38 points in an 83-107 rout of the road weary Blazers last night in Liberty City. Jason "Marc Ivaroni is definitely going to be the new coach" Quick's story about assistant coach Cheeks downplayed the significance of the game, and rightfully so. Cheeks ended up getting his dream job, "coaching" in the city he played and having the luxury of never having to come up with an offensive game plan, something that really cut into his singing lessons in Portland. For Blazer fans, it was yet another game that the offense was unable to breach the century mark. I'm not sure if a team has ever gone the whole season in the shot clock era without scoring a C-note, but it looks like the Blazers are dead set at trying. The Blazers had 72 shots, compared to 94 for the Sixers. That hurts. Hell, the Blazers only made 5 more shots than Iverson took, no wonder they haven't reached 100 yet.

It's become apparent that when Darius struggles to score, as he did last night, the Blazers are going to get waxed. Without a solid third scoring option, it's going to be next to impossible to outscore opponents, which I've been told is important. The Blazers and the Sixers had almost the same field goal percentage last night (44.4 to 44.7) but when to take 22 fewer shots, you're not going to win unless you shoot 95%. Oh, and did I mention that the Blazers got out rebounded 30-60? Read that again. The Sixers had only 6 fewer OFFENSIVE rebounds than the Blazer had combined. That's. Just. Wrong.

The good news is that Travis Outlaw (who Cheeks so rudely stated was on the chopping block) and Martell Webster are finally getting some significant playing time, playing 19 and 14 minutes respectively. Even Vik got some court time last night, scoring 4 points in what I can only assume was 7 minutes of garbage time. Still good to see some of the young guys get some experience, which is what I thought this season was going to be about.

Ref's Hate Hawks, Love Blazers.

2005-11-28T08:11:00.000-08:00

Once again, a closely fought battle between the Hawks and our Blazers ended in controversy, or at least as much controversy as can be created in a contest between two if the most maligned clubs in the NBA. Renowned leaper Josh Smith was dinged for grabbing the rim to get an offensive rebound, which is a kick-ass move on the playground, but is still frowned upon in the big leagues. The turnover gave the Blazers the ball with 7.3 seconds left, long enough for Darius Miles to bank a shot in to win the game 77-75. The big story for Blazer fans in this one was another solid performance by rookie and high cinema coniser Martell Webster. In 18 minutes, Martell scored 10 points on 4 of 8 shooting, two of those being three's. Martell's increased minutes were due to Juan Dixon fighting a losing battle against a shrimp cocktail, and though it would be crude and base to applaud the tiny crustaceans’ ability to sideline the Blazers’ resident chucker, but you can't argue with results. Martell also vastly outplayed one of his 2005 draft counterparts Marvin Williams, who finished the game with 1 point in 16 minutes, which only proves that going to one year of higher educations doesn’t amount to dick. Zach managed to bounce back from the mini-funk he was in by scoring almost a third of the Blazers total points, bringing home 25 points on a remarkable 12 of 15 shooting. Add in 15 rebounds, and Z-Dough had what I would consider a hecka good game. Kudos Zach.

Next up is Mo Cheeks, The Answer, and the rest of the Philly 76er's tomorrow. Somebody is going to get some payback. The question is: Who will it be?

By the way, not that I have many readers out there, but has anyone else noticed that as soon as I start harassing a player on this site, he starts playing well? I make fun of Juan; he plays great. I talk shit about Sebastian's offense; he goes out and scores 20. I harass Martell about his taste in movies; he starts contributing immediately. Is Nate using this site as billboard material? Is there a Blazer wide conspiracy to make The Cut (that's what I'm referring to myself as now) look stupid? If so, I'm honored. So here's the deal; I'll keep making trite, fairly obvious observations, you guys keep showing me up. Together we can take this team to the top!

Martell Webster is a Dork

2005-11-22T16:03:00.000-08:00

In his blog today, Martell admits going to see Harry Potter with Darnell Valentine. Some things are better left unsaid Marty, but if you're free sometime and you haven't seen March of the Penguins yet, I'd love to be your chaperone. Call me!

Leaving On A Jet Plane

2005-11-21T12:38:00.000-08:00

Ruben Patterson has been put on the inactive list and sent back to Portland for the remaining 6 games of the current road trip. As per John Nash:

"Ruben Patterson has been placed on the inactive list and sent home to Portland for the rest of this road trip for his behavior both on and off the court.

We will not tolerate this type of behavior from any player. We will continue to demand a higher level of professionalism and personal responsibility from all of our players or we will continue to take appropriate action."

Great move Nash, now find someone to unload the Rube on quick, but not for Jerome James. No way the Blazers need one of the most overpaid guys in the league. Any ideas? Where are you expiring contracts?

We're On A Road to Nowhere

2005-11-21T09:01:00.000-08:00

One game into the first real road trip of the season and the Blazers look... not so good. Having not yet won a road game, I guess it isn't too surprising. It would have been nice to have some momentum, but no such luck after losing to a vastly improved Golden State team 91-80 on Friday. While watching this game, the usually intellectually void Mike Rice made a great point: The Blazers are going to get punished by every team with a good shooting guard. Jason Richardson did Mike the favor of proving him correct by lighting up any and everyone brave enough to guard him to the tune of 28 points on 10-21 shooting. Then again, Richardson is averaging 22 per game, so I guess Monia, Ruben, Juan, and whoever else tried to man-up on him shouldn't feel too bad for themselves. The money stat of the GS game were the 24 turnovers committed by the Blazers, leading to 21 points. You're not going to beat a retirement homes intramural team turning the ball over 24 times, so losing by just 9 points could be considered a moral victory, if you're that hard-up for good news.

Actually, there was some positive news to report. Sebastian is starting to find him offensive game. He scored 20 against on Friday, besting Baron Davis in that department by 4 points, though Telfair did get out-assisted 11-3 to by everyone's player named after a frozen pizza.

So Friday, Blazers lose, and come Sunday, the Blazers lose again, this time in New York at the other Garden. Sebastian once again put on a fantastic offensive show against Big Cousin, scoring 27 points on an astounding 8-12 shooting, as well as making 8 of his 11 free-throw attempts and dishing out 7 dimes. Sounds great don't it? Well, Telfair seemingly was the only guy that didn't forget his jock in Portland, as the Blazers got thumped 92-103. Channing Frye, who I was convinced would never amount to a hill of beans, added 20 points in only 24 minutes, once again proving that I know next to nothing about talent. Two big stories from a Blazer fan standpoint; the first being that Zach only had two, count 'em TWO rebounds in the game, and hence, only 17 points. The second being the hissy fit that Ruben Patterson threw over not getting the playing time that he thinks he deserves. Personally, this is the event that I've been waiting for; an iron-clad reason to get Ruben the hell off of this team. I tend to wonder if Ruben has ever watched any footage of his performance, because if he had watched, say the Golden State game, he would see that for every great play he makes, he makes at least 2 boneheaded plays, such as getting a steal and then trying to take on Troy Murphy, Adonal Foyle, and Mike Dunleavy by himself on the fast break. That's why you'll always just be average Ruben, on and off the court, because you're an idiot. If Nate doesn't replace Ruben with Outlaw, and then replace Outlaw with Khryapa, I've got to figure that the Rube has some dirt on Nate, because they're no way that a guy that doesn't fit into the future of this team should be stealing PT away from guys that figure to be with the team after this season.

Bull-pucky

2005-11-16T08:26:00.000-08:00

It takes a few days to get over losing such a prolific home winning-streak, but I've recovered. In fact, the Blazers looked pretty damn good in their 84-81 loss to Detroit last Friday. "The Chosen" Juan Dixon came in a played a great game, scoring 19 points without missing a shot. As much as I applaud this effort, it's really the least that Juan could do after looking abysmal in the first 4 games. And speaking of games, why is it that the Blazers have only played 5 games so far this season? Some teams have already played 9 games. Has the circus been in town? Did Yanni sell out the Rose Garden for 5 straight days or something? I guess it's just as well, considering that most of Oregon is focused on the impeding Civil War, but let’s get this show on the road.

P-Town is currently 3rd in the newly formed Northwest division of the Western Conference. They could keep pace with a win tonight against the not-so-baby Bulls tonight at the Garden. This is a game that the Blazers are very capable of winning, as long as someone other than Zach Randolph or Darius Miles steps up offensively. In the loss to Detroit, only Z-Dough, Darius, and "A Million to "Juan scored in double figures. That's probably not going to get it done. With any luck, Z-Dough will give Mike Sweetney (who bears a striking resemblance to Biz Markie) a clinic on what it takes to be a slightly chubby power forward in this league, but he's still going to need help, preferably from Telfair, who should be able to get his shot with Chris Duhon or Kirk "Gilligan" Hinrich guarding him. I guess the question I have is: What is Telfair's shot? Dribble drive? Pull-up 3? Elbow jumper? Give me something Seabass!

The line for tonight's game is Chicago -3. If you had bet on the Blazers the last two games, who'd have won both bets, so consider putting some extra scratch on Portland. Do it for Lewis and Clark. If they hadn't gambled on finding Oregon, we'd all be living in some Midwest shithole.

"It was you Rasheed. I know it was you. You broke my heart."

2005-11-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

You are looking at #5080 of the Limited Edition Rasheed Wallace lunchbox, sponsored by Jiffy Lube. I was pretty surprised when these came out, as the conventional wisdom was that Rasheed was spawned from Satan. Personally, I love Rasheed, even though he broke my heart over and over again. I still cherish this lunchbox, though it is far too small to carry an actual lunch.

Sheed, everyone's favorite snow plow Dale Davis, and the rest of Big-D come to the Garden tonight in what will be the hardest game this young squad has played thus far. It will also be a great indicator of how Zach Randolph's defense has progressed, as I'm assuming that Pryz and Theo will be working on Ben Wallace, leaving Sheed and his 30 foot wingspan to Z-Bo. Sheed is definitely going to make Zach work for every bucket, so Z-Bo (or "Z-Dough" as I've taken to calling him) has to return the favor on the defensive end. I'd also expect to see Jarrett Jack get the lion’s share of playing time at the point tonight, as he matches up better with the physical Chauncey Billups than does Telfair. This is also a game that you'd like to see Travis Outlaw (remember that guy?) get some PT against Tayshaun Prince, who Travis should really be trying to fashion his game after, but alas, those minutes will most likely go to Ruben Patterson.

The line for tonight’s game is Detroit -7, which I must say did surprise me. I thought it would be higher than that. Here's hoping that, at the least, the "Red and Black Attack" gives Detroit a good game, and best case, defends the home court and moves to 3 for 3 at home. Long live the home winning streak!

My Z-Bo's Back and You're Gonna Be in Trouble.

2005-11-11T07:19:00.000-08:00

Super happy-fun game for the Blazers on Wednesday, beating the Knicks 83-95 at the Rose Garden. So far, the Blazers are a perfect 2-0 at home. Could a perfect home record be in the works? I don't see why not.

Z-Bo had an all-around monster game (as predicted here), scoring 29, grabbing 12, facilitating 3, pilfering 3, and sending 1 back. Take that microfracture surgery! Darius had a nice game as well, adding 26 points, 8 rebounds in what continues to be a resurgence of sorts, though we've seen this kind of thing from Darius before. While Darius is ultimately in control of his actions, you have to think that Nate's style of coaching and willingness to give Darius on-court responsibility is playing a major factor in his current high quality of play. Of course, talent has never been the issue for Miles (I wonder how many times that phrase has been printed), but maybe Darius finally has it figured out. Let’s keep our fingers crossed, shall we.

Another positive to take away from Wednesday’s game is Ruben Patterson's performance. While the 17 points, 5 rebounds were nice, what was even more important was that Rube got to showcase his talents for Larry Brown and the rest of the Knicks, whom he will hopefully be employed by sometime in the near future. The "youth movement" can't take total shape until Patterson is gone. He's the last vestige of a dead era in Portland, and he got's to go. I'm sure Nate wants to keep Patterson around, as, though I hate to admit it, he gives the Blazers the best chance to win, but this season isn't about wins. It's about getting ready to make a run at a title. Outlaw and Khryapa are the future for Portland at back-up SF. Patterson is dead weight, pure and simple. Great game though Ruben!

Bits and pieces:

If you don't read Eric's OregonLive Blazer blog, then you should probably start. Lots of great links the past couple of days. Same goes for Henry Abbott's TrueHoop. Oh, and check out SuperSonicSoul if you have even the slightest intrest in the Sonics(thanks for the props ChunkyStyle). They're good people
"Pneu" Monia didn't hae a great game stat wise, but it sure is nice seen a guy in there that actually has some promise. How the teeth feeling Derek?
Martell Webster is blogging. Is this a cool guy or what?

I Don’t ♥ NY

2005-11-09T11:53:00.000-08:00

Lots of storylines in tonight’s game. There's the obvious cousin vs. cousin match-up between Telfair and Marbury, but also the match-up of ex-Georgia Tech point guards in a Jack vs. Marbury showdown. Who will emerge as the Queen Bee? Hopefully this kind of intrigue will keep our young Blazer guards amped for the whole game. Then again, if Marbury don't start playing the Larry Brown way, we may see a lot more of...well, NY doesn't really have another PG, so we'll probably just see a lot of Marbury. Of course, Clifford Robinson's lovechild Nate Robinson will be making his first appearance at the Rose Garden, followed by a round of hormone therapy at OHSU. For Blazer/Duck fans out there, this game has even more intrigue, as Robinson, Channing Frye, Trevor Ariza, and Matt Barnes all played their college ball in the Pac-10. Any way you chop it up, this one should be good. A victory tonight will go a long way toward giving this young team some confidence. The spread is currently at NY -1.5, so go out and put some money on the Blazers.

Some things I hope to see:

More of the Russian Mafia. Vik had a little quote in the Oregonian today questioning why he hasn't been on the active roster. I have to say, if it's for any other reason than Nash wanting to showcase Patterson, then I'm dumbfounded. More PneuMonia, more Viktor more glasnost.
Tefair playing well. Last time Seabass went up against Big Cousin, he forced everything. Sebastian needs to play smart and not try to one-up Marbury, or he's going to be holding Jarrett's water bottle in the 4th quarter.
Juan Dixon needs to fight the urge to hoist up a 3 every time he touches the ball. Please Juan, don't shoot.
Zach, Darius, and Joel with double-doubles.

I got a good feeling about this one. I think Monia and Zach have big nights and the Blazers win. Here's to sending Larry Brown and the rest of the Knicks back to the hotel 0-4, cause everyone knows L.B. is a sick honkey straight goin' donkey.

"What's Your Name Fool?"

2005-11-09T11:01:00.000-08:00

Remembering stuff is hard. It's one thing to forget birthdays, anniversaries, and deadlines; those things don't really matter. What sucks is not being able to remember the names of all of the new Blazers this year. Six players on the Blazers 15 man roster are new to the team. Add in Nate and Dean Demopoulos (interesting side note: Theo Ratliff is from Demopolis AL. That's like, almost the same!), and you've got seven new names that you have to commit to memory, at least until the trade deadline, at which time you'll (hopefully) have to learn more. Weak minded people like myself who have committed the first 5 seasons of "Beverly Hills 90210" to memory have a hard time retaining new information. So, as a services to those trying their best to be superfans without forgetting what Donna's birthday is (Christmas!) or the vanity plate on Steve's Corvette ("I8A4RE" as in "I ate a Ferrari"), I submit a list of nicknames with the hope that you won't forget who's name to get tattooed on your chest come playoff time.

Charles Smith: 6-4, 200 lbs. guard out of New Mexico ("There's a New Mexico?"). To be fair, this isn't Charles first stint with the Blazers, though it would be understandable if you forgot his 3 game tenure with the team during the 2002-03 season (which also happens to be the last year the Blazers made the playoffs. Coincidence?). Unfortunately, Charlie's parents didn't give us a lot to work with from the nickname standpoint. Charles Smith is about as boring as you can get, and as of yet, Charley hasn't really shown me much to differentiate him from the thousands of other Charles Smith's out there. "Charles in Charge" would be a good one if he were a point guard, or actually in charge, but for our purposes, it doesn't really fly. Charlie "Brown" Smith would probably be considered racist by most, though if Nate keeps pulling PT away from Charles like Lucy pulls footballs from Charlie, then this one might stick. Basically, I got no good names for Charles. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Steve Blake: 6-3, 172 lbs. (soaking wet) guard out of Maryland. Steve is one small guy. Being over six foot and under 180 pounds makes you an ideal Kenyan marathon runner, but not much of a PG. I still haven't figured out why management picked this guy up, but as long as he's here, we might as well give him a term of endearment. My nickname for Steve is "The Snowflake," because he's soft, white, melts under any kind of pressure, and is usually welcomed when it first shows up, but then becomes a nuisance come February. Besides, Steve "The Snowflake" Blake would sound great booming out of the loudspeakers at the Rose Garden.
Juan Dixon: 6-3, 164 lbs. guard out of Maryland. Man, if you're over six foot and have any semblance of a 3-point shot, you should call John Nash and see if he's in the market for another guard, because he obviously can't get enough undersized, no-D playing Maryland guys. Once again, I'm not sure exactly why Juan was brought in. I realized that the Blazers are super thin at SG, but come on, Juan ain't the answer! Due to this, I am set on the nickname "A Million to" Juan Dixon, taking into account that P.Allen is paying him around 2.5 million a year for god knows what, which is much like the premise of the Paul Rodriguez blockbuster "A Million to Juan."
Sergei Monia: 6-8, 220 lbs (or 98.8 kilos back in Mother Russia) out of CSKA Moscow, which, for those of you who don't know, has been a long time CIA front. Does anyone out there know if Sergei's last name is "Monia" or "Monya"? The Blazer roster has him down as "Monia", but other places on the web have it as "Monya." I've put a call into the Blazer front office regarding this discrepancy. I'm sure someone will be getting right back to me (Update: some guy named Chuck called me back and informed me that, for pronunciation reasons, the "y" in "Sergey" and "Monya" has been changed to an "i" in both instances. Who says the Blazers aren't fan friendly). While I'm waiting for conformation on his "Christian" name, I'll return to the task at hand; Sergei's nickname. As previously stated, our swing guard of the future shall be known henceforth as Sergei "Pneu" Monia. He's just that sick. And to loosely quote Run-DMC, "Not sick meaning bad but sick meaning good!"
Jarrett Jack: 6-3, 202 lbs. guard out of Georgia Tech. I love me some Jarrett Jack. After years of undersized PG's, it's nice to finally have someone that can body up on some of the stronger guards in the league. And a guy that's played 3 years of ACC ball might as well be a veteran on this team of Europeans and youngins. But what name embodies the kind of rough-neck attitude that Jarrett brings to the court? Jarrett "Big" Jack "Attack"? Jarrett Jack "In the Box"? Jarrett Jack "In the Saddle Again"? Jarrett Jack "Booted Thug"? I think I'll stick with that one.
Martell Webster: 6-7, 210 lbs. guard/forward out of Seattle Prep High School. Finally, the draft pick. I love Martell for two important reasons: First, he' going to be a great player for the Blazers, and second, his being drafted snatched him from the clutches of Lorenzo Romar at University of Washington. Take that you filthy dawgs. Being a quite, soft-spoken kind of guy, Martell is deserving of a name a little softer around the edges. I've come up with two: Martell "Charlotte's" Webster (he's terrific, and humble) or Martell "Staring Emanuel Lewis As" Webster.

So there you have it. Once again, I'd love to hear any other suggestions. And coming soon, new nicknames for your favorite returning players!

You Say ZaZa, I Say Zsa Zsa

2005-11-06T09:57:00.000-08:00

What can you say about a suspect call at the end of regulation that gives the Blazers a 93-94 victory over the Hawks in the home opener at the Rose Garden? If you're a Hawks fan (assuming that they actually exist) you would probably complain that ZaZa Pachulia got hit with a touch foul at the end of regulation that no self-respecting referee would call. It was pretty obvious that ZaZa (who is from Georgia, the European version) gave Randolph a decent little jab to the back fat, but to have it decide a game? All I can say to that if you're leading the league in technicals like Pachulia is you can't expect to have the calls go your way. Personally, I commend Kenny Mauer for having the stones to call a foul in that situation. First class job there Kenny.

Other than proof positive that the Blazers won't go winless this season, it's hard to take away much from a one point win against the worst team in the NBA. One thing that was surprising was the addition of Sergei "Pneu" Monia ("he'll make ya sick!") into the starting lineup. Sergei is bigger than I thought, and looked pretty good, even if it was against the Hawks. 8 points, 6 rebounds, and 5 assists ain't nothing to shake a hammer and sickle at, especially on a squad as thin at SG as the Blazers are. Sergei's metamorphosis from inactive list suit-wearer to first home game starter is more proof that Nate McMillian is still seeing how this team shakes out. If Charles Smith remains Charles Smith and "A Million to" Juan Dixon keeps chucking up ill-advised 3-pointers, I'd expect to see Monia get a lot more starts.

A few random notes:

Telfair looked a lot better last night, but he's got to get to the line more often than once a game. A guy that can penetrate like Telfair should make a concerted effort to get to the line.
Zach seems to really be coming along. The 5 turnovers are unacceptable, but 21 points and 13 rebounds, including 7 on the offensive end, and a clutch free-throw make up for any shortcomings.
Can Nate please put in Viktor "Wholly" Khryapa on the active roster sometime soon? He might be a drop-off defensively from Patterson, but certainly not by much. It's not exactly like Ruben fits into the long-term plans of this squad, so let Vik get some PT. If management wants to expand the fan base, they should consider the appeal that Vik and Sergei have to the ever expanding Russian population here in Portland and the surrounding areas. Free the Russian Mafia!
Esteban Batista is Uruguay's answer to Manu Ginobolli, only taller, fatter, and not as good.
Finally, I hope all of you fans that have been bitching and moaning about character are happy. I had to sit through what seemed like an endless string of Blazer PR video before the game thanks to the endless commiserating by fair-weather fans and "values voters." Not only that, but now that The Snapper is gone, there's no one to keep Mike Barrett's homer tendencies in check. Mike Rice is too busy wiping the drool off of his lip and telling stories about catching crawdads at the ol' fishin' hole, so the load falls on Barrett to remind everyone at home about "how great this sell-out Portland crowd is." I know one thing for sure; there was more than one sell-out at that game last night.

No Nuggets, No Peace.

2005-11-05T09:16:00.000-08:00

Well, it didn't take too long for the Blazers to have their first blowout loss of the year. I had the over/under at 5, being that in the fifth game the "Red and Black Attack" play everyone's favorite ex-Blazer turned World Champion Rasheed Wallace and the Larry Brown-less Pistons, but then again, I'm a horrible handicapper. Even with K-Mart coming down with what one could only assume is a case of leprosy, the Blazers still got turned out in a 68-107 shellacking at the Pepsi Center, to which I can only say, have a Coke and a smile Nate.
Actually, I could say a few more things. First off: Take it easy on these guys Nate. I realize that Paul Allen sacrificed another jewel-incrusted toilet seat cover to pay for Nate's exodus from Seattle, and that Nate was brought in to be a hardass, but a 3+ hour practice away from home after the first game of the season? How do you fit in chill time with mile-high hookers? Or a drinking tour of the Coors Brewery? A long practice mixed in with that thin, putrid Rocky Mountain air is a recipe for disaster, especially this early in the season.
Secondly, can we get rid of Ruben Patterson already? The Junk Yard Dog (aka the "Kobe Stopper" aka the "Nanny Daddy") is too much of a whiny bitch to last on a team this young. In fact, I want a strict promise from management to never, ever obtain any players that played under Bob Huggins at Cincinnati. Van Exel and Patterson have been more than I can handle. Seriously, consider that, along with Nick "the Lip" and Patterson, Danny Fortson and K-Mart all disgraced the floor during Huggins drink-soaked tenure, and ask yourself, "What do all of these guys have in common?" The answer: They are decent to above average players with one flaw: They're punk-bitches. And, as if you didn't need anymore proof, here's another reason why anything connected with Cincinnati should be avoided at all costs.
But back to Patterson. Not only is he going to make a sour-face every time this team stumbles, but he's going to ruin Martell Webster. Stories of Ruben's insistence on hazing Martell are already coming out, and if I were John Nash, I would sit Ruben down and let him know that Martell is a lot more important to the future of the team than Ruben's career average of 10 points, 4 rebounds. Better yet, I would just ship his ass out for the first expiring contract or actual shooting guard offered (sorry Juan and Charles, but you guys suck). There's got to be some GM out there that wants a high intensity guy who plays out of control, right? Isiah?
Finally, what's up with Telfair? I thought that guy put some work into his game this summer. The guy still can’t' shoot, still can't draw any fouls (which I guess is ok seeing as he can't shoot free throws either), and still can't play a lick of defense. I know that he's still in diapers, but from what I've seen/read/heard from gypsies, Jarret Jack should, can, and will be the Man for this team, at least for another 2 years.